Redneck Sustainability: 5 Cyber Monday Cures

Original Walton's Dime StoreIn our consumerism drunk society Cyber Week is the virtual hangover from Thanksgiving’s Black Friday. And the whole things seems to be focusing on gluttony a scoche more than gratitude (if you ask me). But once again, rednecks can show the rest of us the way toward a more sustainable life by offering us cures to the Cyber Week blues.

Think General. The rural predecessor to today’s tawdry dollar store was the dime store, or the general store. In some parts of rural America rednecks continue to benefit from the simplicity of true one-stop holiday shopping at said stores. And in this instance I don’t mean Walmart’s brand of one-stop shopping. Duplicating the general store experience today requires some creative thought to figure out which one, local establishment could provide all of your gift-giving needs. Rather than coming up with specific present ideas, get a general idea, go to your chosen store and peruse while your mind ruminates over each person on your list. (I’m heading to the state liquor store this year!)

Stop buying yourself crap all year. As the Bible says “Don’t screw others, lest yea be screwed” (or something like that). The bottom line is that we all know it’s stinking hard to get a gift for someone who reflexively buys everything they have an inkling for all year long. Practicing self-restraint can actually make it more fun for others to find and give you gifts. Maybe your friends will follow suit and make your job easier next year.

Homemade is a heaven send. With a little advanced planning and an after work run to the grocery or craft store and weekend can transform your kitchen or study into Santa’s workshop. The key here is to do something genuinely homemade and not something that everyone else is buying through Hickory Farms.

Originality is overrated. Find something you do well and stick with it. The old lady at the end of the lane where I grew up still delivers popcorn balls every Christmas despite the fact that no one has lived in our old house for fifteen years and she’s been dead for twelve. But, man. When I was a little kid I sure did look forward to those popcorn balls.

Don’t be scared of the practical. This isn’t Valentines Day or an anniversary. It’s supposed to be the time of year we exchange gifts in memory of the 8 pound 6 ounce newborn baby Jesus. Sometimes Jesus brought the wine to the party. But sometimes he provided the bread and fish. All this just to say, practical ain’t always bad. Have a pig butchered and offer half of it to your friends and family (as long as they aren’t Jewish or Muslim. In that case stick with dear or something).[divider]

This year, instead of giving your self Carpal Tunnel and getting your online identity stolen, try holiday gift giving the redneck way.

About David Mark Brown

Writer. Novelist. Redneck. Granola. Raised on a Texas cattle ranch and schooled at the U of Montana (Berkeley of the Rockies), I am the world’s most self-proclaimed redneck granola and author of optimistic-dystopian dieselpunk, sci-fi thrillers and young adult literature.

Comments

  1. Love this one!!!!

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