I don’t know about the rest of you, but I got raptured five days ago. I know. And I totally wasn’t expecting it. But I’ll tell you one thing. Right in the midst of my rapturous assent I started panicking about all you schmucks LEFT BEHIND. It really sucked too, because I realized I was the only one floating away. I always thought at least Michael Landon would join me. Then I thought, “Oh yeah, he’s dead already.”
Then my next thought really comforted me, “At least my dog, Fluffy, will be taken care of by a professionally vetted and secularly loving non-Christian post-rapture pet handler — all thanks to After the Rapture Pet Care. I mean, if so many people are doomed to eternal hell, than at least one of them should earn a decent wage caring for my precious dog, right?