Extreme Home Makeover: Mud Edition

I have come up with yet another way for the humanity sucking institution of television to untether itself from its obligate parasitic ways and enhance our world at the same time it fogs our minds and contributes to hemorrhoids across the globe. (Even now I’m sitting on a donut. Oy vey!)

No, I’m not talking about having David Duchovny personally record his voice on thousands of voicemail boxes saying, “The truth is out there, so leave your name and number. I’ll call you back when I find it.” But I am of course talking about ABC’s Extreme Makeover Home Edition… gone native.

You may not know this little trivia gem, but around 3,000,000,000 people living on the surface of the earth today are living in earthen homes. That’s about half. And while you might be envisioning most of these homes as dirt hovels, you would be right. (What? You didn’t expect me to tell you they were all dirt mansions, did you?)

Earthen homes can actually be dazzlingly beautiful and elegant, even modern. But that is beside my point. Rather than pumping out one more episode of some hard-luck family getting their toxic death trap of a home twisted into a perverse vaudeville nightmare including race car sofas complete with a fuel hose supplying three varieties of Coca-cola for the whole family (and still a toxic death trap by the way) so that the house loses any practical purpose and drives up property taxes for blocks around, I suggest the show host a mud edition.

Start by finding some down on his luck CEO of an investment bank, or better yet, a muckity-muck from Freddie Mac or Fannie Mae. And then surprise them by bulldozing (deconstructing quickly) their derelict McMansion (or one of them at least) and replacing it with a nice practical home made from mud and other earthen materials.

“Surprise!” And the whole T.V. audience sitting at home gets to watch the tears of joy roll down his or her freshly facialed face and drip onto his or her Armani suit as he/she tours all 1800 sq. ft. of the brand new (old as dirt) truly environmentally sustainable home.

Just image the thrill of redemption when they take the mic and thank America for giving them a second chance after they have taken so, so much. “With this home (sniffle, sniffle) I’ll know that I am helping to sustain life on this planet so that I, I mean we, can profit from it without guilt.” Now that would be a tear jerker.