Mess With Texas

I say mess with Texas, ’cause it sure as hell is gonna’ mess with you. I’ve said it for years. Why do people put up with it? Everything in Texas wants to kill you. It’s like God’s experimental test grounds for militarized nature: killer bees, fire ants, scorpions, rattle snakes (who no longer rattle), cactus, locus trees, pickled okra, Branch Davidians…

Then you’ve got apocalyptic hail storms like grapefuit-sized goiters from heaven, firestorms, and Cary-Elwes-killing, Bill-Paxton-chasing F5 twisters known as the Finger of God! Is it just me, or is God trying to send humans a message? “Git outta’ Texas, or git dead.” The only real question is whether the Big Guy is trying to hide something or simply spare us from the grief. You gotta’ admit with Perot, the Bush’s and now T. Boone, it appears highly suspicious that Texas could indeed be the secret location of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Or maybe Jason Kidd has found the Tree of Life. On the other hand Texas could just be the dumping ground for all the critters that pissed Noah off during his tumultuous ride on the Ark. But perhaps I’m being a bit hasty.

After all, I did survive for almost 18 years in the state. I have family there that have survived for much longer. I’ve only had a scorpion in my mouth once. And there hasn’t been a major death storm in Texas for over a week.

At the very least I say someone hang a sign at the border informing travelers how long its been since the last outbreak of flesh-eating virus or ravenous rampaging fire ants. Maybe there could be a pharmaceutical-like warning broadcast on TV — “Living in Texas may cause dizziness, vomiting, loss of limb due to spider bite, inflamed corpse, conspiratorial thinking, poor grammar, hazardous Thunderdome matches, arachnophobia, unexplained bomb shelters, urgent mullet disorder, death and in extreme cases, armageddon related loss of sexual appetite.[divider]

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