Redneck Sustainability: Set Guns to Airplane Mode

I’ll admit, I have forgotten for entire flights to set my smartphone to airplane mode. Only one of those fights had to execute an emergency landing after dumping extra fuel over the Great Salt Lake. But, I never forget to wear my special security checkpoint outfit when traveling the friendly skies: sandals (no socks), form fitting spandex without belt and cotton undershirt (wife-beater style). It’s lickety-split through the dessembly line for me, and I never get a pat-down.

I figure the less I leave to the imagination the less likely anyone will want to imagine anything about me, including the likelihood that I might suddenly trill at the top of my voice and yell “Mecca, Mecca, Allah, Jihad!”

But at the same time, I realize that many of my fellow Americans are deeply concerned about the “porn scanners” that are popping up at TSA checkpoints. But, I ask you to once again consider the sustainable wisdom of rednecks. What if the wise redneck was in charge of airport security?

Please ensure all guns are currently set to airplane mode

One magic phrase from the lips of stewards and stewardesses would solve all our air travel security woes, “Please check to ensure that all guns are currently set to airplane mode.” I submit to you that we eradicate all current airport security measures and replace the fancy gizmos and civil liberty infringers with standard-issue smart guns loaded with rubber bullets for every passenger over the age of 18.

In the case of emergency any passenger could alert a stewardess who could in turn activate all guns with the touch of a button. Then any up-to-no-gooder intent on sabotaging America’s democratic ideals with extreme prejudice will have to first deal with an entire plane full of patriotic American’s armed with ill-will and rubber bullets.

Maybe it would be sensible to require a free safety course and a permit, but airlines could make their money back by charging an extra few bucks for the semi-automatic upgrade. Who knows, maybe one of the platinum flyer perks would be having an unlocked gun. I know this much — America would be saving a bundle on ridiculous machines that do less for security than airlines peanuts do to satisfy my inflight hunger.