The Redneck Granola’s Code for Living

In today’s amoral world it seems the majority of folk wander the surface of the earth as if trying for the part of an extra on the Zombieland set. Unsure of how to deal with or construct nuanced moral values, we instead bounce around life aimlessly while mumbling, “brains, must have brains.”

But trust me, eating brains don’t do a damn bit of good in making a lad smarter. So in response to the sparkling void of moral verisimilitude I’ve prepared my Redneck Granola’s Code for Living–three rock solid rules you can take to the bank. No complicated philosophies or insincere scams intent on making jerks likable or transforming chumps into champs. Just wisdom too simple to be comprehended by most.

(You have to think in a lower wavelength. Like the spectrum of light invisible to the naked eye, there’s a spectrum of thought unthinkable to those with too much brains. Just whack yourself in the head a couple of times with a bottle and keep reading.)

The Redneck Granola’s Simple Code for Healthy Living:

1.) Use the words, “Fire in the hole!” within a meaningful context at least once a month. Just do it. If you can’t come up with one legitimate excuse to yell “Fire in the hole!” all month long then you just ain’t living.

2.) Get manure on your hands every week. Sticking your hands in the toilet doesn’t count (not that I can think of any reason why you would want to). But I’m not talking about human defecation here (unless your using it for fertilizer). I’m talking about manure, organic fertilizer, or compost. Just get your hands dirty. If you reach the end of a week and you haven’t had to dig a clump of something brown and stinky out from under a fingernail then you’re failing.

3.) Share. Hey, if a two year old can figure it out so can you. Each and every day, share something other than an insult or bacteria. I don’t care if it’s a smile, the last buttermilk biscuit or seasons tickets to a Cowboys’ game. (Well, I guess the latter doesn’t count for a Redskins’ fan.) As a general rule, the harder it is to share, the more you should probably be sharing it. Nobody likes a ball hog.

Anybody remember that old joke? You make a slurping sound while massaging a friend’s head with your fingers and say, “Do you know what this is?” They don’t answer. “It’s a brainsucker. You know what it’s doing?” No response. “Starving.” Don’t let the poor brainsuckers starve.