5 Ways to Find Your Inner Redneck

Toilet seat horse shoesFolk who live the button down life in town (known as the “rat race” until this was seen as discriminatory to vermin) might need a little assistance in letting their mullet down. If that’s the case, here are five great ways to add a little redneck to your white collar world (the Green Porch is always doing its part):

  1. Buy a brick of ammunition from Walmart to keep on top of the fridge (no gun necessary). Then whenever you open the door say the words, “Get some.” (For extra credit you can drink straight from the carton and wipe your mouth with the back of your hand.)
  2. Make a trip to the tanning salon, but leave your t-shirt on in order to speed up your farmer’s tan.
  3. Alter your greeting. If you’re a woman start addressing everyone as “honey,” or “shoog” (short for sugar). If you’re a man only nod to other men and address all women as “ma’am.”
  4. Download “The Sounds of NASCAR” podcasts to your smart phone and listen to the roaring engines all day at work. And finally…
  5. Get your Lynyrd Skynyrd on. Sit on the front porch shirtless (a tube top for you gals), drinking a Bud Light and listening to Free Bird with your Klipsch speakers turned all the way up. (For extra credit try spelling everything with “y” as the only vowel.)

If you graduate this course and you still ain’t kissing cousins with your inner redneck then you should be worried more about what your neighbors are thinking than getting in touch with your inner redneck.

About David Mark Brown

Writer. Novelist. Redneck. Granola. Raised on a Texas cattle ranch and schooled at the U of Montana (Berkeley of the Rockies), I am the world’s most self-proclaimed redneck granola and author of optimistic-dystopian dieselpunk, sci-fi thrillers and young adult literature.

Comments

  1. Awesome blog! Do you have any helpful hints for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own site soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you recommend starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m completely confused .. Any ideas? Thank you!

    [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘657492982 which is not a hashcash value.

    • David Mark Brown says:

      Carline, this blog is a WordPress, as are my others. I love it. I think you can pretty much do whatever you would like with this platform. A well coded theme might be worth a one time $40 investment down the road, but you can easily start with a free one and switch over anytime. Navigating plug-ins takes a while, but they can do almost anything for you. Mainly, it’s just a matter of blogging regularly until you figure out your topic/niche and voice.

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