Apocalyptic Gardening

When the end of civilization comes knocking you don’t want to be stuck scrambling for Alpo among the zombie hordes at Albertsons. The best means to ensure a continuous supply of foodstuffs throughout the apocalypse is to plant a healthy end times garden full of the essentials. In this post I’ll cover the basics of apocalyptic gardening.

Location: Don’t go planting your new garden in your backyard. That’s the first place resentful neighbors will ransack, and as much as you might try, you probably won’t be able to kill them all. For survival purposes, I prefer secluded locals. Slot canyons and the like make excellent locations. Basically anywhere the ancient Fremont peoples inhabited or anywhere illegal marijuana fields frequent would be my first picks. But, in a pinch seek out rooftops or abandoned lots with ample weeds.

Three main categories of apocalyptic crops exist: 1.) Twinkie 2.) Mason 3.) Spice. Twinkie crops are the sort that are easy to grow and never go bad. Think of tubers, roots, etc. These are the spine of all end time gardens. Make sure you include staples such as potatoes and onions. These are of critical importance because they stay good in the ground and in the cellar. They are concealed from would-be raiders and thieves while they grow, and they work well as seed stock for the next year. (Just make sure you have means other than sight to find these puppies after you plant them. If you’ve ever tried finding a potato plant at night among a field of milk weed, you know what I’m talking about.)

Mason crops are the kind ideal for canning: green beans, cucumbers and okra. It may not seem ideal to live off of mason jars full of of pickled okra, but if your choices are between cooked hillbilly and pickled okra…

The last category of crop you’ll be needing is spice. If you heed my advice and plant plenty of cucumbers, etc. make sure you plant dill. My other favorite is cilantro. But you can utilize parsley, thyme or mint as well. Once you end up supplementing your diet with hillbilly, you’ll be glad you have these babies around.

Lastly, I’d be amiss not to say something about apocalyptic gardening technique. Again, take a page from the marijuana grower’s book. The FEDs may not be out to get you, but the CHUDs probably will be. So plant your garden in small bits and pieces. That way if one section is discovered, the others will remain unscathed. Plant next to areas of natural runoff such as under the eaves of a warehouse or around ditches. If you have the means I suggest burying underground rainwater reservoirs now (such as old metal drums cut in half). In the months and years to come these can serve as planter beds in disguise. Salut! [divider]

Now, if you are convinced the apocalypse will be of the nuclear or environmental sort, then I suggest you take up hydroponics. Anywho. If you have great apocalyptic gardening tips to share, then let the Green Porch know!