Santitas Lady, I Love You

Santitas Chip LadyIt’s time for another bare all exposé from the desk of the Redneck Granola. For many years now I have maintained a fantasy relationship with the Santitas Chip Lady. In Biblical times a tan may have been considered a sign of low status, reflecting hours of menial labor beneath the scorching hot rays of the sun.

But in my world, a beautiful tan reflects hours of menial labor beneath the scorching hot rays of the sun. And I find that scorching hot. Don’t tell me Miss Santitas got her tan from hours of reading People Magazine in a tanning bed. I don’t wish to sully my fantasy with such disgusting ruminations. [Read more...]

The Waning of Thinking Man’s Schlock

Movie Poster for SchlockFirst off, I’m aware that the title of this post makes it sound like it should be in the latest issue of American Pharmaceuticals or Playboy. Ha, ha. Have your laugh so we can get on with it.

Has the world gotten too cruel for highbrow potty humor? Has satire been relegated to AFV (the new hip version of America’s Funniest Home Videos)?

Today I sit on the blog-o-hilltop in sackcloth and ashes lamenting the current condition of the thinking man’s schlock. But what, Mr. Redneck Granola, exactly is thinking man’s schlock. And are you sure you don’t just have a bad case of heartburn? Or maybe you had too many jalapeños on your pizza last night?

Yes, I did have too many jalapeños on my pizza, but that’s a separate issue. For now I’m talking about the sort of cheap entertainment our society used to cherish. Films such as Blazing Saddles and Airplane, or the poetry of Ogden Nash and Edward Lear (whatever happened to the limerick?). [Read more...]

My Top 6 Underrated Sci-fi Movies

Serenity Movie PosterHere are the Green Porch’s favorite sci-fi movies that haven’t seen the love they deserve. Why, you may ask, would I bother blathering on about such a trifle? Hey, everyone else is yammering about Tim Tebow and Ron Paul, so why can’t I give some props to a few movies that deserve more attention? (Sheesh, get off your high speeder).

Anywho, you may not have seen them, but I’ll give you some reasons as to why you should. So let’s get on with… [Read more...]

You Say Erotica, I Say Pornotica

GreenPorch Winter of eReadingIt’s been a great month of eVerse blog posts here on the Green Porch. Now that we dig deep into the closet of winter, we bid GPWeR  (GreenPorch Winter of eReading) farewell. But as a final parting shot across the bow I ask a serious question. (Fine. It’s not really serious. But I like to be dramatic. I’m a writer, dangit.)

Across the artistic board every medium perpetuates a certain lowbrow peep-show in perpetuity. That is to say, pornography is everywhere… except in fiction. You see, in fiction we have erotica. This got me to thinking. (Stop laughing. I think. On occasion.)

Why do people skim through nudey magazines, watch porno flicks and populate the internet with more pornography sites than there are McDonalds in the inner city, just to go off and read “erotica?” You and I both know the truth is they don’t. As sure as your soylent green, it’s porn, people! [Read more...]

Finding Free eBooks in Nook Store

GreenPorch Winter of eReadingThe miserly quest continues. The aftershocks of the largest eReader giving (and getting) season still shake the foundations of the eVerse. Like gorging on so many turkey sandwiches after Thanksgiving, you’ve stayed up late blurring eBook into eBook on your nifty new Nook.

Now your budget is paying for it. Even $2.99 seems like a chocolate mint too far (“but it’s wafer thin“). Now it is time to unabashedly scour the Nook store for quality free eBooks. There’s no shame in it. And there’s no trick to it. It’s just a simple trick. But it won’t be quick, so let’s get to it. [Read more...]

Filtering Porn Out of the eVerse

GreenPorch Winter of eReadingJust like the rest of the internet, the eBook eVerse consist hugely of porn. It is sorta the plankton of the eVerse — the simplest life form that feeds the mindless that in turn feed the suckers and bottom-dwellers who in turn feed the commercial fiction writers who feed the how-to-write-commercial-fiction writers who feed the I’m-too-sexy literati who feed themselves (as they cannibalize the top echelon with scathing reviews).

Hey, I didn’t create the life cycle. I’m just stating the fact that stuff always grows out of… how do the French say it… shit.

It’s not pretty, people. But with a little effort we can rise above the manure zone and better ourselves. But how, you may ask? Well here at the Green Porch we’ll tell you. [Read more...]

Dr. Pepper Kills Beloved Dublin Brand… Why?

dublin Dr. PepperOkay. Contracts were broken. But how is that worse than lying on your taxes? This past Wednesday Dr. Pepper Snapple killed the “Dublin Dr. Pepper” brand name. They claim it was to protect the diluting of their Dr. Pepper trademark. Read more about it here.

So nine different Dr. Pepper products (including Dr. Pepper 10. What the hell is that?) is just fine, but ten is watered down? And aren’t they just going to keep making Dublin Dr. Pepper at other bottlers anyway? (The answer is yes.) So… they still have the same amount of trademark-watering-down Dr. Pepper products as before.

The only difference is that now instead of “Dublin Dr. Pepper,” fanatics aficionados will be drinking “Dr. Pepper made will real cane sugar.” [Read more...]