How many of you own an honest to goodness flag emblazoned with the logo of your favorite soft drink? (O.K. several of you.) But do you also have photographic evidence of a college dorm room wall decorated with sticky 12 ounce cans?
Satan’s syrup, white mambo, carob powder. However you pronounce it, there is an addictive chemical used in every can of Dr. Pepper which makes you crave it much more often than fortnightly. While this disastrous addiction is spreading like gangrene across the United States resulting in increased blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, irritable bowel and the sugar shakes, one tiny section of Texas still sucks down their juice pure–the forty square miles between Stephenville and Hico.
The original bottler of Dr. Pepper in Dublin, Texas still shoots their bottles up with pure Imperial Cane Sugar. The street value of this rare, high quality DP can run anywhere from .50 cents to $2.00 for an eight ounce bottle. (Although it can cost you your life if caught with a six-pack in a dark alley on the Texas State University Campus in San Marcos.)
While the dirty, white truth is that any form of Dr. Pepper can cost you your life, Dublin DP was how I learned to dance with the devil. And it’s time we wake up America. Rumors have run rampant for decades as to what Dr. Pepper’s secret ingredient really is. Some say prune juice. Some say motor oil. In reality its straight, hard, death. And at nearly 30% obesity, the state of Texas is clearly losing the battle.
Take it from a Texan who’s been clean for 15 years. There can be life after Dublin DP, but its no Dr. Pepper Pound Cake walk. It’ll get ugly, real ugly. If you can’t make the break cold turkey, try swapping out DP for Shiner Bock. Or try smoking instead. (Whatever you do, don’t switch over to Diet DP! It’s a trick, and the diet can be even more destructive than the original.)
When you find yourself on hands and knees licking up a sticky spot of Vicks VapoRub on the Piggly Wiggly floor, you’ll know it’s time to find help. Only you can save your life–twelve ounces at a time.