Call me a whistle blower if you must, but it’s time the truth come out.
Uncle Sam has teamed up with “power-to-the-people” internet service provider FreedomPop in its latest endeavors to infringe upon our ever dwindling privacy. When you think about it, it’s the perfect scheme. The only problems? First, the plan was executed with typical government efficiency. Second, they messed with me.
As we all know, my mental prowess is a few stories taller than the average American bungalow (just significant enough that a jump will break your ankles but not kill you.)
This is how it all went down.
My old iPhone started skitzing out. I searched the internet for alternative phone service (thank you very much redonculously expensive AT&T). Since the FBI and NSA have both already flagged my online presence as an Orange-Level Threat (menacing to innocently maniacal), they were instantly aware of my interest in cellular providers.
Based on the rest of my profile, the government knows of my libertarian leanings and tendency to fly the bird in the face of the man. So when too-good-to-refuse offers for essentially-free cellular service continually flashed across my internet searches, I took the bait.
I clicked on the FreedomPop banner.
First off, I need to clarify. The whole think looked highly dubious from the beginning. I’m not completely gullible when it comes to this kind of thing. When FreedomPop promised me a year’s worth of service for the price of an old refurbished phone, I did a bit of research.
All the standard things came up (surely placed there by a combination of Google and the NSA). FreedomPop has poor customer service. No surprises. They try to make money by pushing upgrades and add-ons. Everything is an add-on. Fine with me. I only wanted a basic package. Who really talks on the phone anymore anyway? And I can text on my iPad.
So, I did what any desperate, red-blooded American writer would do when faced with the need for cheap connectivity without the money for a sleek new smart phone. I played the tech-start-up’s version of roulette (you know, the gambling game no one wins). I paid the money and settled in for the advertised three week delivery time. (In the meantime, I would rely on string and soup cans.)
Six weeks later, I received my brand new, refurbished, really old smart phone.
(It made me feel big to finally be smarter than my phone.)
Within three hours of playing around with the device, I had deduced the evil partnership with the watchful eye of the almighty American government. Brilliant in its intricacies, yet retarded in its execution. First off, the phone’s charge lasted around 4 hours. The device became hot to the touch even when in sleep mode. It cycled on and off for no reason. And worst of all, incoming calls would continue to ring and ring whether I tried to answer them or not.
By now, oh astute reader, you have surely deduced the same thing I did. Government intrusion.
Uncle Sam knew I wouldn’t be able to resist their well placed FreedomPop ads. This was the perfect chance to get a listening device onto my very person. Finally they could keep even closer tabs on one of their highest level, low-level threats. And it would have worked perfectly if they would have used anyone other than an arthritic chimp out of work since the canceling of NASA to bug the phone.
But you know what? I’m keeping the electronic atrocity on my desk. Now I have the upper hand. I know they’re listening. So I can feed them erroneous information and watch them dangle.
Oh wait…the NSA doesn’t read blog posts, do they?