David Mark Brown

Writer. Novelist. Redneck. Granola.

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You are here: Home / Sustainable Living / Mess With Texas

June 9, 2011 By David Mark Brown Leave a Comment

Mess With Texas

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Movie image for TwisterI say mess with Texas, ’cause it sure as hell is gonna’ mess with you. I’ve said it for years. Why do people put up with it? Everything in Texas wants to kill you. It’s like God’s experimental test grounds for militarized nature: killer bees, fire ants, scorpions, rattle snakes (who no longer rattle), cactus, locus trees, pickled okra, Branch Davidians…

Then you’ve got apocalyptic hail storms like grapefuit-sized goiters from heaven, firestorms, and Cary-Elwes-killing, Bill-Paxton-chasing F5 twisters known as the Finger of God! Is it just me, or is God trying to send humans a message? “Git outta’ Texas, or git dead.” The only real question is whether the Big Guy is trying to hide something or simply spare us from the grief. You gotta’ admit with Perot, the Bush’s and now T. Boone, it appears highly suspicious that Texas could indeed be the secret location of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Or maybe Jason Kidd has found the Tree of Life. On the other hand Texas could just be the dumping ground for all the critters that pissed Noah off during his tumultuous ride on the Ark. But perhaps I’m being a bit hasty.

After all, I did survive for almost 18 years in the state. I have family there that have survived for much longer. I’ve only had a scorpion in my mouth once. And there hasn’t been a major death storm in Texas for over a week.

At the very least I say someone hang a sign at the border informing travelers how long its been since the last outbreak of flesh-eating virus or ravenous rampaging fire ants. Maybe there could be a pharmaceutical-like warning broadcast on TV — “Living in Texas may cause dizziness, vomiting, loss of limb due to spider bite, inflamed corpse, conspiratorial thinking, poor grammar, hazardous Thunderdome matches, arachnophobia, unexplained bomb shelters, urgent mullet disorder, death and in extreme cases, armageddon related loss of sexual appetite.[divider]

Warning: Reading of this blog via cell phone could result in brain tumors. Reading on your PC could increase your likelihood of hemorrhoids, unwanted napping or sudden profanity disorder.

Filed Under: Sustainable Living, The Green Porch, Uncategorized Tagged With: Don't mess with Texas, rattlesnake not rattling, Texas

About David Mark Brown

Writer. Novelist. Redneck. Granola. Raised on a Texas cattle ranch and schooled at the U of Montana (Berkeley of the Rockies), I am the world’s most self-proclaimed redneck granola and author of optimistic-dystopian dieselpunk, sci-fi thrillers and young adult literature.

Comments

  1. Anna says

    June 10, 2011 at 8:48 am

    I still say it’s better than Louisiana, California, or any extremely northern state. Brrrr!

    Reply
    • David Mark Brown says

      June 11, 2011 at 3:01 pm

      Definitely better than California! And Colorado can keep its overcrowded nature. Hey, what would I be without Texas? Just another redneck in the city.

      Reply

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David Mark Brown Welcome to the Green Porch! Yep, this is my blog. It's a meeting place for those interested in the art of conversation, story, community and sustainability. Hey, its a big porch. There's room for all of us, so pull up a chair and I'll pour you a drink (adult beverages after 2:00pm, which where I'm from is also known as the watermelon hour).

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