Microwave Auditory Effect: Uncle Sam Says

Warning of microwavesHeard any voices in your head lately? I know I sure have.

While I’m fairly sure mine are simply the result of the sort of self-willed madness we writers invite upon ourselves in the name of creativity (I’m winning three separate arguments with myself even as I type), your voices could be another result of government interference.

And I’m not talking about the oppressive polity of overly-bored and underly-creative legislators. No, this time I’m talking about the microwave portion of the electromagnetic radiation spectrum. Who knew, but during the cold war the United States government funded research that revealed it was possible to deliver audible clicks and noises directly into the human head via microwaves.

The phenomena has been labeled the microwave auditory effect or the Frey effect, named after the researcher, Allen H. Frey.

Nothing sinister yet, but we all know that everything during the Cold War was most certainly taken to sinister extremes only to be covered up and disavowed by Ronald Reagan (conveniently effected by his own administration’s mind ray).

The official record states that zapping people with communication consisting of more complex words and sentences was not attempted due to requiring unsafe exposure of the human guinea pigs. Well, we all know that is government-ese for “Off the record, we mind-juiced a bunch of inmates something fierce until they thought they was carrying on a conversation with Allah, Jesus and Buddha all three!”

Another shocking developement, but it turns out lots of American citizens (and a gaggle of Soviet ones too) all suspect they were zapped with microwaves during the 70′s and 80′s without their expressed written or implied verbal consent! In my opinion, it goes without saying that they most certainly were. (Government sympathizers blame things like drug-induced freak-outs for all these feelings of paranoia, but we all know drugs during the 70′s were as rare as polyester at an Elvis convention.) And how else could the government try out the more dispersed effect of their crazy ray and make sure that it would work on people who hadn’t already been institutionalized.

Heck, in 1976 Time Magazine even reported on how the Soviets had been busted for beaming microwaves directly at the U.S Embassy building for 15 years. Of course they later claimed it was simply to jam sophisticated electronic equipment (likely story). But we all know the real intent was to bury the latest Bee Gee lyrics so deep into those diplomats’ psyches they’d disco themselves to death (a form of torture tragically overlooked by all four Geneva Conventions).

Anyway, all of this to say, you really shouldn’t listen to the voices in your head. Not because you might be crazy, and the voices might not represent socially acceptable mores. But ultimately, you should ignore those ethereal ramblings because they could be the sinister misleading of Uncle Sam. The next time you hear a little voice telling you to jump start the economy via buying a third bomb shelter or increasing your nuclear arsenal, you just tell them “David Mark Brown says no.” They know where to find me.

About David Mark Brown

Writer. Novelist. Redneck. Granola. Raised on a Texas cattle ranch and schooled at the U of Montana (Berkeley of the Rockies), I am the world’s most self-proclaimed redneck granola and author of optimistic-dystopian dieselpunk, sci-fi thrillers and young adult literature.

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