5 Ways to Go Granola Secretly

Treehuggers InternationalIf you’ve thought about hugging a tree, but were too worried about getting pitch on your Dickies (or explaining the stains to your family) then maybe you can start with hugging something other than a pine tree. (Sheez, slow down Rambo. You can’t just hug a pine without working up to it!) Seriously, until you feel comfortable coming out of the composting closet, there are ways to go granola on the sly. Here are the Green Porch’s top five:

  • 1.) This year for lent, instead of giving up something stupid like coffee or chocolate, give up bathing.
  • 2.) Pawn all your lawn care equipment. Announce that for religious reasons you are taking back the sabbath from the tyranny of yard work. Then xeriscape.
  • 3.) Ride your bicycle rather than driving. But do so only after standing in front of the mirror and declaring loudly, “Honey, how did you let me get so fat?”
  • 4.) Download podcasts of “This American Life” and “Science Friday” to your smart phone, and listen to them while you cycle to work. And finally…
  • 5.)¬†Enact a ban on doing regular laundry for political reasons. Declare that until someone washes up Washington you refuse to wash your clothes.[divider]

Now that you’ve embraced Mother Earth on the down low you’ll be that much more prepared for dealing with the technological apocalypse that will certainly send the world back into a Mad Max like agricultural age after the coming Singularity ravages modern society. Salut!

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