David Mark Brown, Author at David Mark Brown

Redneck Sustainability: Set Guns to Airplane Mode

April 27, 2012November 26, 2010 by David Mark Brown

http://cartoonnewsmagazine.com/greatminds.html

I’ll admit, I have forgotten for entire flights to set my smartphone to airplane mode. Only one of those fights had to execute an emergency landing after dumping extra fuel over the Great Salt Lake. But, I never forget to wear my special security checkpoint outfit when traveling the friendly skies: sandals (no socks), form fitting spandex without belt and cotton undershirt (wife-beater style). It’s lickety-split through the dessembly line for me, and I never get a pat-down.

I figure the less I leave to the imagination the less likely anyone will want to imagine anything about me, including the likelihood that I might suddenly trill at the top of my voice and yell “Mecca, Mecca, Allah, Jihad!”

But at the same time, I realize that many of my fellow Americans are deeply concerned about the “porn scanners” that are popping up at TSA checkpoints. But, I ask you to once again consider the sustainable wisdom of rednecks. What if the wise redneck was in charge of airport security?

Fried Pie Country: Staying Fat and Happy

November 22, 2010 by David Mark Brown

Northerners have this thing called coffee. (Yes, I know we drink it here in the South too, but Starbucks and the like were nonetheless alien to the South until the early 90’s.) Down here we have sugar.

It makes sense too. Northerners have to get up in pitch black and dig their cars out of snowbanks in order to slide to their job at the yeti farm where they earn enough money to go curling in the evenings and pay for their costly sunning and tanning beds (used occasionally for growing personal amounts of medicinal marijuana, wink, wink, and to dispel their seasonal depression.) Who does this sort of thing without coffee?

But in the South we get up to songbirds and Willie Nelson (preferring our marijuana second-hand) and desire something a little more substantial before we set about our rigorous work of riding and roping broncos. What says substantial Southern breakfast better than fried pie?

Dukes for a Better Hazzard

August 29, 2012November 16, 2010 by David Mark Brown

Daisy Duke was as close as I came to a celebrity fetish as a boy. How can you resist the NASCAR driving temptress that fashioned a short-short revolution that looks good on less than 1% of the population? (of which I am proud to say I am still a part.)

But Daisy, Bo and Luke Duke were more than just hunky characters on the TV show The Dukes of Hazzard from 1979 through 1985, they were champions of community, social justice, civil liberties and simple living. I can still hear Waylon Jennings crooning about the good ole’ boys “fightin’ the system like a true, modern-day Robin Hood,” as the General Lee leaps a barn and flies off into the wild, blue yonder of freedom.

Sure, Bo and Luke ran moonshine in a Dodge Charger done up six ways to Dixie while Uncle Jesse supplied a tri-county area with white lightning, but who doesn’t jerk some hooch on the side these days? The times are hard, are they not?