The Green Porch Archives - Page 23 of 30

Take the Redneck Granola Personality Test

April 25, 2011 by David Mark Brown

The first thing you need to do to live a happy life is figure out where you fall on the redneck-granola-personality-test. Trust me, this isn’t as simple of a process as it sounds. As the original redneckgranola it has taken me over thirty years of my life to place myself accurately on the RGS (after making it up just now).

Since I realize you, kind reader, have less time for such matters, I have refined the process down to 5 questions of pure life-coaching genius. Today I offer the first four questions to you for free. The fifth question can also be yours for the low, low cost of reading the first four. Once you have read and answered these five questions truthfully all of your life’s decision making will flow smoothly from your RGS ranking. (Answer questions and then score yourself after.)

Cellulosic Ethanol: Beating a Dead Lobbyist

April 15, 2011 by David Mark Brown

Despite the fact that Jesse Duke powered his old farm truck on ethanol (ethyl alcohol) back in the 80’s, ethanol has joined the ranks of global warming (formerly known as climate change) and hemp vs. cotton in the closet of “don’t pay attention to the man behind the curtain” liberal blundering.

[dropcap2]E[/dropcap2]thyl alcohol, at its simplest level, is an alcohol obtained from the fermentation of sugars and plant stuff by chemical synthesis. But now the word “ethanol” is synonymous with corn ethanol, or “ridiculous government blunder” to many and “farm subsidy” to others. When will all these lever-pulling do-gooders learn that regular people hate pushy activists bent on making the world a better place through insult, fear and inconvenience?

Are most of us ignorant of the effects of our destructive behavior? And keep on living as such despite our inevitable doom? Well sure. If we knew about the effects we would start considering to begin getting around to doing something about it.

One True Loincloth

April 30, 2012April 11, 2011 by David Mark Brown

For over nine months I have been wearing the same pair of hemp pants, known to history as One True Pants. I mention this now only because my folly, or the limitation of my vision, has become known to me. To wear the same pair of hemp pants for years is indeed sustainable. Hemp fiber requires less water, chemicals and vital nutrients from the soil to grow and process than cotton (otherwise known around the Brown household as “the poison weed that embraces my loins”).

But, how could I have been so small-minded? So short-sighted? During the time that I have worn (and will continue to wear) the one true pants my nether regions have indeed been shielded by cotton. The blessed hemp fabric of the OTP has been insulted by the mocking ridicule of my Jockeys.