Investing for the Apocalypse

Pink and the BrainEnd times portfolios can be tricky animals, especially when so much uncertainty exists as to what form the end will take. After all, if Al Gore is right then maybe Spielberg’s Pinky and the Brain had the right idea when they bought up all the property on the planet thirteen floors up and higher. But if alien invasion is to initiate our demise, then perhaps an underground cavern in the wilderness would be more appropriate.

So, with all this apocalyptic diversity in mind, here are some universal investment principles you can (pun intended) take to the bank.

1.) Cash is king, until it isn’t. When it comes to the apocalypse, most people expect a sudden cataclysm. But this is simply a result of Hollywood run amuck. In reality the end will most likely look more like our current situation. Existence will gradually worsen until humanity suddenly crosses a tipping point (I think I just wet my pants a little) when all hell will break loose. Right up until that tipping point cash will rule the day, so get it, leverage it, use it. Then use it up, because when the first wave of radioactive wraiths hit the edge of town a clean pair of underwear will be in much more demand than a crisp hundred dollar bill.

2.) Never go down with the ship. If your goal is survival, then there’s nothing ignoble about following the lead of the classic survivor, Rattus norvegicus, the common rat. While others are arranging furniture on the global deck of planet Titanic, you find the nearest piece of flotsam and start paddling clear.

3.) A bullet to the brainpan is better than two in the clip. Always prepare for the worst. Some end time scenarios produce an untenable situation. No investment portfolio would be complete without an escape hatch policy. After all, you don’t want to find your legs getting gnawed off by rabid zombie rabbits after watching them eat everyone you hold dear. So invest in a self-destruct button of some sort. I prefer dynamite. It’s stable, cheap, reliable, and puts on a great show.

4.) The old dog who learns the most new tricks wins. A solid end times portfolio should be grounded by the twin pillars of experiences and skills. When given the choice between buying a new car or taking helicopter lessons, choose the latter. Unlike life in the matrix, we can’t just download new skill sets. But when ravaging bands of flesh-eaters flock to your location like a gazillion agent Smiths and your only chance at survival is a rusty old Huey, you’ll wish you had settled for the ’98 Subaru.

5.) Keep it real, stupid. All that being said, the best investment toward a cataclysmic tomorrow is a well-lived today. So go out there and make the most of these end days. If protesting is your idea of fun, then more power to you. But personally, I plan on consuming some good Vietnamese food before rice starts to glow in the dark.[divider]

Ideas for how to spend your resources and time most efficiently before the end comes? Tune in this Friday for the final installment of Apocalypse month here at the Green Porch as we discuss just how to make the most of the time we have left.

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