Wear a Loincloth. Save Your Brains.

Loincloth posterAt the risk of breaking some unspoken taboo around saying the word loincloth too frequently for modern society, I’m coming forward with the end all solution to air travel security.

I mean, am I the only one freaking out over the rash (two) of contrived UEDs (undergarment explosive devices)? How can this stand? And what sort of security molestation will we be subject to next?

All travelers upon commercial airlines should be required to wear a standard uniform–the loincloth.

But never fear. There is a simple solution. Remove all the porn scanners. Remove the puffers and the bleepers. Free up the congested arteries of our bottlenecked air terminals nationwide! Salvation has come, and its name is loincloth!

So sustainable, so simple. No hidden weapons, no worries. What god-fearing terrorist wants to meet his/her maker in a loincloth? How can someone even sustain vitriol or blood-lust while wearing a loincloth? Have you tried? Let me tell you, it’s impossible. All murderous rage just melts away when you feel the skin of your bare buttocks slide into a first-class naugahyde seat.

While cutting down on Fruit of the Loom shrapnel and travel related anxieties, the loincloth would help save precious overhead cargo space as well. Once the trend catches on across all levels of society, travelers will be able to cut down on packing by 63%. That means less jet fuel expended. That means less carbon emissions. That means less threat of environmental collapse. Thus longer before your home and family are overrun by zombies.

When you don’t wear a loincloth while traveling a zombie eats little Susie’s brains. No one wants that. Wear a loincloth. Save your brains.

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