Cannabis: Brain Killing 529 Plan

Helen Lovejoy“Won’t somebody please think of the children!?” ~ Helen Lovejoy, one act pony.

The reefer madness just keeps getting worse and worse on both sides of the issue. And it’s a noodle scratcher to be sure.

I mean, how on God’s green earth can we ever be expected to resolve this terrible conflict over the mild narcotic, marijuana, that can be grown in almost any climate by anyone and currently provides drug lords all over the world almost 90% of their revenues?

African 529 Plan

Now African grandmothers responsible for aids-orphaned grandchildren are becoming the newest link in the evil multi-tiered drug pyramid run amuck. Won’t somebody please think of the children?… Oh, wait.

Desperately poor old women are growing the crop in order to send their grandchildren to school. Hmmm. It appears marijuana is the only crop that will grow in the arid, rocky conditions and fetch any money at all. Why’s that?

Well, because weed is called weed for a reason, and because drug lords everywhere need the popular narcotic to fund the rest of their evil empire. Seems pretty straight forward so far. But what to do about those pesky old women and their mangy herd of grandchildren?

Smokers are Jokers

The current solution (adopted pretty much world wide) has been to burn their crop just before harvest. That’ll learn ‘em. That way we can not only teach these bottom tier drug-suppliers to respect the law, but we can insure a supply/demand ratio that will keep the price of marijuana high and a system that benefits more organized and ruthless growers.

Wait. That doesn’t sound right.

But at least we’re keeping the terrible gateway drug off the streets and out of our schools, right? I mean, its been a while since I was in school. Sure I had… one, two, six, maybe a couple dozen friends that smoked it back in the day. But we’ve kicked some serious drug cartel booty since then. Everyone knows smokers are jokers.

But Seriously…

But seriously, you want to know the thing that hacks me off the most? The worst, most unjust aspect of the whole stinking affair? The old ladies of Swaziland who are growing weed just to support their swelling flock of orphaned grandchildren can’t even get a fair price for their crop.

Those law-breaking, weed-growing grannies are getting ripped off. If the police don’t burn their crop just before harvest, some wife-beater-wearing South African middle-man comes through town offering ought dickity to the dollar and the old ladies have to take it! Damn those drug pins! Of all the…

Hey wait. I just got a crazy idea. What if a government official walked through town offering a fair wage (or even 62% of one) to those old ladies for their weed? Then turned around and undercut those nasty drug lords while still turning a nifty profit? I wonder then if the government could build some new schools and still have enough money left over to fight the drug war?

Nah, that’s cannabis talk.

About David Mark Brown

Writer. Novelist. Redneck. Granola. Raised on a Texas cattle ranch and schooled at the U of Montana (Berkeley of the Rockies), I am the world’s most self-proclaimed redneck granola and author of optimistic-dystopian dieselpunk, sci-fi thrillers and young adult literature.

Comments

  1. Makes me think of the gin plague that devastated London in the first half of the 18th century. Only when the crisis was threatening the viability of the country did the politicians find the courage to bring in the Gin Act of 1751. Licensed it, taxed it, regulated it… problem solved. http://www.britishmuseum.org/explore/highlights/highlight_objects/pd/w/william_hogarth,_gin_lane.aspx

    • Hey Tim, much the same thing in the U.S. with prohibition. The depression was sinking the government. They realized they had to get the revenue back from taxing booze, so they did away with prohibition.

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