Wear a Loincloth. Save Your Brains.

Loincloth posterAt the risk of breaking some unspoken taboo around saying the word loincloth too frequently for modern society, I’m coming forward with the end all solution to air travel security.

I mean, am I the only one freaking out over the rash (two) of contrived UEDs (undergarment explosive devices)? How can this stand? And what sort of security molestation will we be subject to next?

All travelers upon commercial airlines should be required to wear a standard uniform–the loincloth.

But never fear. There is a simple solution. [Read more...]

Sippy Cups and Carpet

sippy cupThey say necessity is the mother of invention. I say stupidity is the father. Sure, war has produced many of humanities greatest and worst inventions. But couldn’t we have avoided most of these wars in the first place if humanity didn’t consist of 48% numb-nuts and 37% dill-weeds? (statistics may not represent actual data).

Where would Marie Curie’s discovery of polonium and radium actually gotten us without the Manhattan Project? And if Ben Franklin hadn’t excepted the drunken, double-dog dare to tie a key to a kite? But where am I going with this? Sippy cups and carpet. [Read more...]

One True Pants: Anniversary and Wake

bowed headWe’ve done it. The process has taken every bit of tensile strength OTP could muster. But the day has come. It’s official. OneTruePants are dead. Long live OneTruePants.

At midnight tonight it will have been 365 days that the same pair of hemp pants have adorned my blessed lower half. (Heroic music begins as OTP montage rolls.) We’ve had some great times together, and nothing less than the glory of the afterlife will be able to fill the drafty emptiness OTP will leave behind (in all our hearts). But the pants are truly spent.

Through summer heat, winter chill, dirty diapers, spit-up, diarrhea, dog bite, roofing, demolition, wine, chocolate, chili and BBQ, dancing, laughing, crying, two weddings and a funeral, my one true pants have been my rod and my comforter (wait, that sounds familiar). [Read more...]

5 Ways to Go Granola Secretly

Treehuggers InternationalIf you’ve thought about hugging a tree, but were too worried about getting pitch on your Dickies (or explaining the stains to your family) then maybe you can start with hugging something other than a pine tree. (Sheez, slow down Rambo. You can’t just hug a pine without working up to it!) Seriously, until you feel comfortable coming out of the composting closet, there are ways to go granola on the sly. Here are the Green Porch’s top five:

  • 1.) This year for lent, instead of giving up something stupid like coffee or chocolate, give up bathing. [Read more...]

Non-housing Alternatives

Movie poster for Swiss Family RobinsonWhat could be better than to live in a sustainable dwelling that, as far as the government is concerned, isn’t even a dwelling? You’d have no taxes and very little zoning codes to deal with, while at the same time treading lightly on this whimsical little sphere we call Earth. “Wow, RedneckGranola, how can such a thing be possible? Since you are so often full of organic manure, I just can’t believe you.”

Yes, yes. I know. I too was once skeptical, as yourselves, until I realized all you have to do is be considered a nutjob and such a storybook living can be within your grasp. I’m not talking about living out of a Vanagon or VW bus (I said nutjob, not hippy freak!). For starters, I’m talking about tree houses. [Read more...]

One True Loincloth

the glorious loincloth

what I will look like in my OTL

For over nine months I have been wearing the same pair of hemp pants, known to history as One True Pants. I mention this now only because my folly, or the limitation of my vision, has become known to me. To wear the same pair of hemp pants for years is indeed sustainable. Hemp fiber requires less water, chemicals and vital nutrients from the soil to grow and process than cotton (otherwise known around the Brown household as “the poison weed that embraces my loins”).

But, how could I have been so small-minded? So short-sighted? During the time that I have worn (and will continue to wear) the one true pants my nether regions have indeed been shielded by cotton. The blessed hemp fabric of the OTP has been insulted by the mocking ridicule of my Jockeys. [Read more...]

Water: Not Just for Wasting

Water is not just for wasting

Water is not just for wasting

Now that the season for wasting water has passed here in Texas, it’s time to consider drinking it. Crazy, I know. I too used to poo-poo, or pee-pee (as it were) water drinkage. H20 comes in handy for brushing the old teeth every couple of days or so, but drinking? Isn’t there enough water in sweet tea?

Heck, I drink wine practically every night, and that’s brimming with water.¬†That’s what I used to think, until I mentioned my aching and tight muscles to our midwife on a lark. (Midwifery, is there anything they don’t know?) She asked me how much water I drank in a day. “In a day?” was my response. Then I sputtered,¬† [Read more...]