One True Loincloth

the glorious loincloth

what I will look like in my OTL

For over nine months I have been wearing the same pair of hemp pants, known to history as One True Pants. I mention this now only because my folly, or the limitation of my vision, has become known to me. To wear the same pair of hemp pants for years is indeed sustainable. Hemp fiber requires less water, chemicals and vital nutrients from the soil to grow and process than cotton (otherwise known around the Brown household as “the poison weed that embraces my loins”).

But, how could I have been so small-minded? So short-sighted? During the time that I have worn (and will continue to wear) the one true pants my nether regions have indeed been shielded by cotton. The blessed hemp fabric of the OTP has been insulted by the mocking ridicule of my Jockeys.

The solution trickled down to me through so many google searches. Over the last few months this website has received over a hundred visitors searching through the aether, lead by nothing more than the keyword, “loincloth.” Yes, Google Analytics has shown me the light. If so many of you are willing to seek blindly thought the tangled digital nets for a sustainable deliverance from the confining garment of death weed, then I should be blazing the trail.

So as to not abandon the inspired quest of OTP (to provide a sustainable option for pants wearers globally) I will continue to wear these hemp pants until they cling to my body in denigrating shreds. But at the same time I will begin shielding my shame with the finest hemp undergarments in preparation for life after OTP.

Life after OTP, you may ask? What could such a terrible time look like? How shall we, the dear readership of the greenporch, continue after the one true pants have expired? Simple. You may comfort yourself knowing that after the OTP fail (however many months and years from now that day may be) I will don the world’s first one true loincloth.

After all, if you aren’t going to go naked, OTL is the next best thing.

About David Mark Brown

Writer. Novelist. Redneck. Granola. Raised on a Texas cattle ranch and schooled at the U of Montana (Berkeley of the Rockies), I am the world’s most self-proclaimed redneck granola and author of optimistic-dystopian dieselpunk, sci-fi thrillers and young adult literature.

Comments

  1. Jason Croft says:

    Maybe I’m glad you moved again! :)
    I don’t know if I’m ready for One True Loincloth.

    • David Mark Brown says:

      Just for that I’m going to visit you in my Easter loincloth! And leave you little chocolate jelly berries…

  2. Seriously!?? Isn’t that gonna be a bit bulky under the pants, or are you planning on ditching pants all together? If that’s the case, you really need to spend some more time in the sun. :)

    What does your wife say about all this?

  3. Jason Croft says:

    “jelly berries”? That was my nickname in college.

    • David Mark Brown says:

      Really? I’m not sure how to respond to that. I was just trying to combine jelly beans and dingle berries.

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