3 Worst Things about the Apocalypse

Dr. Pepper MuseumWhile I expect a few good things to happen via apocalypse (ie. a flourishing of “buy local first” and “slow foods” campaigns), I also suspect lots of crappy things could happen as result of global, wholesale Armageddon. In the comments below I’ll want to hear your list for the top three things that will suck the most, but to get the old zombie fodder cranked up, I’ll share mine.

3.) Looting of the Dr. Pepper Museum:

As we all witnessed in Bagdad, then New Orleans, apocalyptic levels of looting inevitably leads to the wanton destruction of anything even remotely valuable. But the priceless relics and preserved history of our great species and the civilizations we’ve built are at highest risk. So it will be no surprise when the apocalypse leads first and foremost to the mindless destruction of the Dr. Pepper Museum in Waco, Texas. While I will still have my Dr. Pepper flag flying high over the Brown family compound (location classified), the loss of this cultural gem will and should be felt across the globe.

2.) No NFL, thus no fantasy football:

I have to admit, as odd as it sounds, I won’t really miss the NFL as much as I’ll miss fantasy football. After all, the NFL will soon be replaced with more thrilling local blood sports. But it hardly seems likely that these new colossal entertainments (ie. Thunderdomes) will come with companion fantasy versions where spectators can construct their own dream teams of saber-toting, blood-mongers. Thus I suspect the all-too-likely result will be that the lack of fantasy football will lead directly to my death as an extra in some sphere of doom in the Nevada wilderness.

1.) No internet, thus no blogging (or checking fantasy football stats):

Finally, the most suckiest part of all the sucky things the apocalypse will surely bring upon us–lack of internet. While I’m sure I’ll be able to cobble together some sort of artificial thinking device/kill bot to defend the family compound, it is a foregone conclusion that said kill bot will have no access to the world wide web. Alas, with no such web intact, the compound will lack such conveniences as wikipedia, youtube and Google. To top it all off, there won’t even be a Green Porch anymore. (I know! The horror.) And I guess since fantasy football won’t exist anymore, I won’t mind too terribly not being able to access it.

Oh, the isolation of it all. Being cut off  from the rest of the world by roving kill bots and isolated into various regional Thumderdome zones will certainly bring about a new isolation, which I guess it what I ultimately dread the most. Now it is your turn to share with the Green Porch and the rest of the world. What three things will suck most about the apocalypse for you?

3 thoughts on “3 Worst Things about the Apocalypse”

    • too true! And speaking of isolation, so sorry it took me so long to modify and respond to your comment, David. Gone off the grid this week, so to speak. But clawing my way back.


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