Expectations, Resolutions and Cowboys Circa 2013

jonesjerryThis year, make a change that matters. To illustrate the importance of doing so, here is a moral tale based on the National Football League franchise, the Dallas Cowboys. (Don’t worry, NFL fandom is not required to learn this lesson.)

Once upon a time, there was an evil NFL franchise owner and CEO, Jones Jerry. Jones Jerry was neither faery nor orc. He was pure-D avarice from his wazoo to his cork. Stab him with a knife or blend him with a spoon, as owner, operator and general manager, he’d fork you in the end.

He lined his wooly pockets by milking talent and sparking drama. He drove his players to the point of slapping their own mama while he danced and jigged high up in his skybox.

“A pox!” his subjects did cry. “It’s rigged! We supply you with money in exchange for more than Romos and Wittens and Bryants. We want a championship, or we’ll switch our allegiance to the football Giants!” (Now with more iridium!)

At first Jones Jerry did fret to the point of regret for purchasing his multi-million dollar bionical-hip (and stadium). “Don’t be a dope,” he smirked a wicked smirk. “Those hicks, I’ll lend them hope.” A mad hatter with geriatric bladder, he passed haughty gas from his executive potty. “I’ll fire the coach, that torpid roach.”

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3 Worst Things about the Apocalypse

Dr. Pepper MuseumWhile I expect a few good things to happen via apocalypse (ie. a flourishing of “buy local first” and “slow foods” campaigns), I also suspect lots of crappy things could happen as result of global, wholesale Armageddon. In the comments below I’ll want to hear your list for the top three things that will suck the most, but to get the old zombie fodder cranked up, I’ll share mine.

3.) Looting of the Dr. Pepper Museum:

As we all witnessed in Bagdad, then New Orleans, apocalyptic levels of looting inevitably leads to the wanton destruction of anything even remotely valuable. But the priceless relics and preserved history of our great species and the civilizations we’ve built are at highest risk.

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Consumption Vs. Production: an Internal Conflict

deer in a forest fireThe world is on fire, again. As I type this blog post, I’m separated from a murky, smoke-filled valley by some sticks, panes of glass and sheetrock. What a lousy way to celebrate the commencment of the 90th season of America’s favorite gladiator sport. (No, not Pyramid or Murder Ball. I’m talking about the NFL.)

Fire season is upon us. This is the time of the year when I’m most likely to languish in grim thoughts of Armageddon and cast my arms toward the fiery red ball in the sky while brimming with despair. So why should this year be any different?

Then I realized, fire itself gets to the heart of it.

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