Holiday Car Gifting Guide 2012

Gift AutoIt’s that time of the year again, when loving spouses buy their significant other the humble-surprise-gift of an automobile and wrap it with a redonkulously large red bow (that required some Asian kid to use his head to hold the ribbon in place for the knot).

But how does one go about selecting which extravagantly lavish auto to gift? Should you stick with American made? A sporty coup? Military surplus? Of all the terrible decisions one faces during the holidays…

And for once, television isn’t helping. I’ve avidly been studying the dearth of inadequate commercials thus far this fall in order to make an educated decision. I’ve been appalled. What has happened to the audacious auto industry that brought us tail fins, seat warmers and the straight-eight engine?

You know what passes for innovation these days? A hatchback that opens when you wave your foot in front of it. Of all the freakin mind-blowing…

Okay, maybe that’s only one example. Let’s keep channel surfing. Next we have an assortment of driver-assisting cameras. What the hell happened to learning to parallel park during drivers’ ed? Now I have to have a camera on every corner of my car to avoid sharing my fire engine red paint job with the neighbors? If that isn’t good enough for you, some autos boast parking for you. Just flick on the auto pilot and shut down the brain.

Or you can buy your spouse a car with a built in tablet computer. Now that sounds nice, doesn’t it? Who would want both an iPad and a car when you can have both in one? Because everyone knows the best place to use an iPad is while driving, right? Forget tinkering with those annoying knobs for turning on the heat. Now you can simply hit the home button, scroll down, hit the comfort control app, scroll sideways, select heat, select front, scroll to the appropriate speed for the blower, scroll up for the temperature and double tap. Couldn’t be simpler. And by the time you complete the procedure you’ll be in the ditch. No worries. Just access your On Star application.

What the hell? I should be piloting a flying car by now. It’s 20-freakin-12 people. For how much longer can I be expected to buy presents for family members that boast a “state of the art plug-in jack” for a smart phone? At the very least I should be able to buy an auto with a tablet computer display built into the windshield. Then I could retinal click directives for the artificial intelligence unit without having to look away from the Cowboys game or the road.

And how much longer do we have to wait for an auto the recycles bodily waste as fuel? And when is McDonalds going to partner with GM in order to provide an order link built into the dash? It’s cold in Idaho. I’m tired of having to roll down the window, speak into a crappy speaker, roll up the window, roll forward, etc. I should be able to order from the interstate, scan my credit card, and drive by an automated bank-style-pneumatic chute to receive my tube of burgers.

Dear auto industry, until you start adding some real features, please cease the annoying commercials asking me to shoulder massive amounts of impulsive debt in order to buy love.

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