Redneck Sustainability: Paint Glove Philosophy

Pipe corrals suppliesSome of my uninitiated readers may yet be ignorant of such things as paint gloves or paint mitts. But they’re essentially paint brushes you wear on your hands, used mostly for painting pipe and such. As a young redneck I spent much of one glorious summer gently caressing the underbellies of mile after mile of pipe while wearing said paint glove.

The job at hand was to freshen up the pipe corrals on the family ranch which consisted of enough lots, runs, gates, chutes and ladders to create a dozen life-sized redneck versions of the child’s board game. Lest you think I exaggerate, I’ve included a photograph of a stockpile of metal pipe of which I’m sure would be insufficient to represent the amount of pipe constituted by our corrals.

The six-pipe-high corral, (redneck maze of pipe) equalled a butt-load of rustoleum red paint and a couple dozen lambs wool paint gloves.┬áIf it hadn’t of been for the tinny, ranch truck radio set to 94.9 the EDGE and basking me in Depeche Mode’s Personal Jesus, and Matthew Sweet’s Girlfriend, I would have truly gone mad.

As it was, the monotonous work enabled me to learn another valuable redneck-life’s lesson in paint glove philosophy. While some jobs require skill, craft and focused attention, most do not. Most jobs in life require the mental acuity of a paint glove, but most people don’t seem to have this low gear in their thought repertoire.

Could I have painted the corral with a brush? Sure. I could have etched it with tiny, loving tattoos, but it would have rusted just as quick (and I would have missed my graduation for high school and college). Using an excessively fine instrument for a boorish job is a worse crime than using a unrefined instrument for a precise job. If you don’t believe me envision this:

I could paint the inside of your house with a paint glove and do a might fine, half-assed job of preserving all your home’s surfaces with mar-resistant and mold-proof Kills paint. On the other hand, give me a fine artists brush to do the job and before I finished the bathroom I would stab you and your family to death in your sleep.

It just ain’t sustainable to live life without a mental paint glove. Rocking an infant to sleep, listening to a drolling husband enraptured by a sports team, taking a toddler to ride the escalator at the local mall, washing dishes, mowing lawns, typing blogs. It’s no wonder that “going postal” has become a new (15 years ago) craze across our boring, self-indulgent land.

People, people. Give your mind a paint glove. It doesn’t matter what kind (one wrapped in fantasies about the Pittsburg Pirates winning the World Series! Hell, it can be anything!). Start off small and try focusing on something more fulfilling while mowing the lawn. What’s more important? The sprinkler you might run over while dreaming of your next rapturous triple kill while playing Halo? Or your mental health?[divider]

Bottom line, 70% of the crap you do during a typical day doesn’t require anything more than a wisp of mental fart gas and your practically sharting your hat to do it. Get over it, and take a lesson in sustainable living from the redneck.


4 thoughts on “Redneck Sustainability: Paint Glove Philosophy”

  1. Ha! Again the philosophy of “Don’t do more than you have to.” raises it’s ugly head! You gave me those words of wisdom when I was entering into high school. I’m older and wiser now, so I know you’re not always right. I do agree most of the time, but there are things in life that deserve a little more thought and effort. I’d say more, but I think I’ve already put too much thought into this comment.

    • No, no. You got it all wrong. I’m just saying don’t use a toothbrush to sweep the floor and don’t use your best brain cells when the ones you’ve zapped with too much Gilmore Girls will suffice. That’s all.

  2. Just discovered this site – agree def. of redneck needs tweeking – almost walked on by – here in UK we KNOW what redmecks are havent we seen them on the ‘movies’ – glad to meet a green coloured redneck –

    I like your style – love the idea of a paint glove – I’m growing old now and have for many years had the ability to shoe horn brain into one of these (just didn’t realize what it was until today – thank you) – one has to conserve brain cells at my age they vanish faster than fearful rabbits

    • Glad to meet another paint-glover! Thanks for stopping by the Green Porch and commenting, @alberta. I’m glad to make another e-friend in the glorious UK.


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