redneck Archives - Page 6 of 8

Take the Redneck Granola Personality Test

April 25, 2011 by David Mark Brown

The first thing you need to do to live a happy life is figure out where you fall on the redneck-granola-personality-test. Trust me, this isn’t as simple of a process as it sounds. As the original redneckgranola it has taken me over thirty years of my life to place myself accurately on the RGS (after making it up just now).

Since I realize you, kind reader, have less time for such matters, I have refined the process down to 5 questions of pure life-coaching genius. Today I offer the first four questions to you for free. The fifth question can also be yours for the low, low cost of reading the first four. Once you have read and answered these five questions truthfully all of your life’s decision making will flow smoothly from your RGS ranking. (Answer questions and then score yourself after.)

Pray for Rain

June 25, 2012April 21, 2011 by David Mark Brown

As I write this Texas is on fire. A few hours ago a tawny-skinned news anchor covering the fires from a bustling command center facade set up in some Walmart parking lot punctuated his morning report with the adage, “Pray for rain.” That was when it struck me.

It struck me as odd to hear a nancy boy reporter all fancied with make-up echoing the refrain. Why, you ask? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against nancy boys, the wealthy or urbanites (all of which I have been at one point or another. But never all three at once!) It’s just that, well, rain is for the poor, not the wealthy. Rain is for the redneck, not the urbanite.

Gorram and Other Redneck Chinese

March 28, 2011 by David Mark Brown

I know some of you (certainly not me. I have better things to do, like macaroni art) have spent time trying to interpret the slang expletives of the one-season sensation, Firefly. Browncoats, frothing fans of the show who refuse to accept that it was canceled, or even fiction (because it’s not), know that the phrases are Chinese. But the common expletive “gorram” remains mysterious to most.

[dropcap2]I[/dropcap2]’m here to set the record straight. As a reputable provocateur and man of high journalistic integrity I use only the most trusted sources in the ~~fabricating~~ gathering of my knowledge before disseminating it to you. But first, a reality check.