redneck Archives - Page 5 of 8

If Rednecks Ran the NFL (again)

June 13, 2011 by David Mark Brown

The National Football League’s 2011 season will most likely never happen. Here at the Green Porch you’ll finally get the straight answer as to why.

American Football is dangerously lacking in redneck participation and spectatorship. And apparently no one has told Roger Goodell, or he’s simply too dandified to know better. Without its minions of redneck guardians, the sport has been left easy prey for city slickers, tyrannical owners, agents and each party’s army of blood-doping lawyers so hopped up on their own oxygen-enriched red blood cells that they can sue you six ways to Sunday before you can say, “Are you ready for some football.”

Redneck Sustainability: Paint Glove Philosophy

June 6, 2011 by David Mark Brown

Some of my uninitiated readers may yet be ignorant of such things as paint gloves or paint mitts. But they’re essentially paint brushes you wear on your hands, used mostly for painting pipe and such. As a young redneck I spent much of one glorious summer gently caressing the underbellies of mile after mile of pipe while wearing said paint glove.

The job at hand was to freshen up the pipe corrals on the family ranch which consisted of enough lots, runs, gates, chutes and ladders to create a dozen life-sized redneck versions of the child’s board game. Lest you think I exaggerate, I’ve included a photograph of a stockpile of metal pipe of which I’m sure would be insufficient to represent the amount of pipe constituted by our corrals.

The six-pipe-high corral, (redneck maze of pipe) equalled a butt-load of rustoleum red paint and a couple dozen lambs wool paint gloves. If it hadn’t of been for the tinny, ranch truck radio set to 94.9 the EDGE and basking me in Depeche Mode’s Personal Jesus, and Matthew Sweet’s Girlfriend, I would have truly gone mad.

Redneck Sustainability: the Dirt Wash

May 30, 2011 by David Mark Brown

windmill Let’s talk about the dirt wash. Working on the ranch one day, my wizened father showed me how dirt can actually make you cleaner. It’s true, and oh so sustainable. What cleanser could be more natural than dirt?

Anyway, we had just finished replacing spent rods in a windmill. It had been my first time as the “monkey man” on top of the mill (perched up on the top platform without safety gear in order to latch and unlatch the long wooden rods as they are pulled up and out of the ground). This might not need saying, but everything you pull out of a well is slicked with more gook than skinny dippers at Diaper Springs.

And after sloppin’ this stuff all over for a couple hours and taking in views of red-tailed hawks diving for twittering quail hidden in scrub oak thickets, the monkey man tries to climb down the metal rungs on either side of an angle iron windmill support without slipping off and dying. (Really mom, it’s not that dangerous.)