Where are the Money-Grubbing Granolas?

How can all we progressive, earth-friendly do-gooders ever expect anything we believe inHemp plant, credit: Hendrike to happen if none of us can learn how to leverage free market economies?  If all granolas are either anti-social, self-righteous and/or too touchy-feely (interpret flakey) to run a business, how the hell am I supposed to find a good pair of hemp cargo pants that fit me?

If I can’t find a good pair of hemp cargo pants that fit me, how am I supposed to rant to strangers on the bus about how evil cotton is?  If I can’t rant then how will I devise the next clever and rankling debate point to slay the slovenly, money-grubbing, truth-ignoring participants of our downward-spiraling global economy?

Ah, therein lies the problem.  Granolas lack the cutthroat instincts to run the world.  They can’t even run a clothing line that makes hemp cargo pants with a 34in. inseam.  I’m not even that tall, people.  I’m 6’1″.  Most on-line shopping for hemp pants brings up yoga and meditation pants, or outdoor clothing for women.  What, men don’t go outdoors?  Just because I want hemp pants doesn’t mean I’m an old, retired hippy sitting on my couch with the munchies all day.  I am a relatively fit and trim, young man who happens to like having multiple pockets on my pants.  Yes, I have an iPhone and keys, a wallet that I carry in my front pocket.  Sometimes I even need a car key (I just like to listen to the radio.  I don’t drive it, I promise).  But I am not allowed to wear pants made out of an earth-friendly material?

The answer is, no.  Or, yes.  I am not allowed, because granolas can’t figure out how to run a legitimate clothing business for men’s hemp pants.  What the human population needs now is a few dozen Alex P. Keetons with the Republican savvy and business sense to ruthlessly gouge hippies and granolas while selling them sweatshop free, organic hemp clothing made for everyday life.  I don’t want to wear meditation pants to campus.  I don’t want to wear meditation pants at all.

Do I seriously need to be writing this?  Has no money grubbing, global economy participant out there thought of this?  Granolas are notoriously bad with money.  (Why be good at something that reeks of empire and evil?)  They make easy targets.  Frick, I want hemp cargo pants, 34 x 34.  I will pay $100 frickin bucks for a pair of decent hemp cargo pants.

So, I put down the gauntlet.  Anyone out there with the business savvy and the desire to make money off of tree-huggers… do it for the money.  Helping to bring justice and sustainability to life on earth will just be a side-effect.  You won’t even have to notice.

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