March 8, 2012 By 2 Comments

Redneck Sustainability: Delay Laundry Day

And you guys thought I was weird for wearing the same pair of hemp pants for a year while washing them once a week. As it turns out, I could have worn them much longer and helped save the human race from utter destruction by never laundering them a single time! (Okay, maybe after getting shat upon by my son a washing would have been appropriate.)

University of Alberta student, Josh Le, wore his pair of raw denim jeans for 15 months before washing them. In a university lab bacteria samples were taken before and after washing as well as after wearing the pants for just a couple of weeks. [Read more...]

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November 28, 2011 By 1 Comment

Redneck Sustainability: 5 Cyber Monday Cures

Original Walton's Dime StoreIn our consumerism drunk society Cyber Week is the virtual hangover from Thanksgiving’s Black Friday. And the whole things seems to be focusing on gluttony a scoche more than gratitude (if you ask me). But once again, rednecks can show the rest of us the way toward a more sustainable life by offering us cures to the Cyber Week blues.

Think General. The rural predecessor to today’s tawdry dollar store was the dime store, or the general store. In some parts of rural America rednecks continue to benefit from the simplicity of true one-stop holiday shopping at said stores. And in this instance I don’t mean Walmart’s brand of one-stop shopping. Duplicating the general store experience today requires some creative thought to figure out which one, local establishment could provide all of your gift-giving needs. Rather than coming up with specific present ideas, get a general idea, go to your chosen store and peruse while your mind ruminates over each person on your list. (I’m heading to the state liquor store this year!) [Read more...]

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November 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Redneck Sustainability: Urban Scrappers

scrap metalWhen I say “urban scrapper,” I’m not talking about some underground Sunday night fight club for hipsters with too much kempt up frustration, I’m talking about today’s savvy, entrepreneurial recycler of society’s droppings.

This duty has increasingly been taken up by the growing and noble urban class of redneck–the urban scrapper. And the rest of us, who wince or even shudder with disgust at the idea of getting intimate with the undoing of our daily cast-off (Cast-off: (n.) the dreck that ripples outward in the wake of a typical modern life on a daily basis) owe the scrapper a profound debt of gratitude.

You see, while I’m sustainability conscientious, like most of us, I’m dastardly lazy. [Read more...]

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September 5, 2011 By 3 Comments

The Redneck Granola’s Code for Living

Zombieland Movie PosterIn today’s amoral world it seems the majority of folk wander the surface of the earth as if trying for the part of an extra on the Zombieland set. Unsure of how to deal with or construct nuanced moral values, we instead bounce around life aimlessly while mumbling, “brains, must have brains.”

But trust me, eating brains don’t do a damn bit of good in making a lad smarter. So in response to the sparkling void of moral verisimilitude I’ve prepared my Redneck Granola’s Code for Living–three rock solid rules you can take to the bank. No complicated philosophies or insincere scams intent on making jerks likable or transforming chumps into champs. Just wisdom too simple to be comprehended by most.

(You have to think in a lower wavelength. Like the spectrum of light invisible to the naked eye, there’s a spectrum of thought unthinkable to those with too much brains. Just whack yourself in the head a couple of times with a bottle and keep reading.) [Read more...]

Filed Under: Redneck Sustainability, spiritual musing, Sustainable Living, The Green Porch Tagged With: , , , , , ,
August 11, 2011 By 1 Comment

Redneck Guide to Relationships

A bronc to breakfastThe way I see it, relationships inevitably involve control. Now some times a person may be handing it over, while at others he or she may be taking it by the tail (or by the teeth). How a person handles the control determines whether they keep all their fingers, or get kicked in the head.

It’s kind of like a man and his horse. [Read more...]

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July 7, 2011 By 2 Comments

5 Ways to Find Your Inner Redneck

Toilet seat horse shoesFolk who live the button down life in town (known as the “rat race” until this was seen as discriminatory to vermin) might need a little assistance in letting their mullet down. If that’s the case, here are five great ways to add a little redneck to your white collar world (the Green Porch is always doing its part):

  1. Buy a brick of ammunition from Walmart to keep on top of the fridge (no gun necessary). Then whenever you open the door say the words, “Get some.” (For extra credit you can drink straight from the carton and wipe your mouth with the back of your hand.) [Read more...]
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June 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment

If Rednecks Ran the NFL (again)

Jared Allen of the VikingsThe National Football League’s 2011 season will most likely never happen. Here at the Green Porch you’ll finally get the straight answer as to why.

American Football is dangerously lacking in redneck participation and spectatorship. And apparently no one has told Roger Goodell, or he’s simply too dandified to know better. Without its minions of redneck guardians, the sport has been left easy prey for city slickers, tyrannical owners, agents and each party’s army of blood-doping lawyers so hopped up on their own oxygen-enriched red blood cells that they can sue you six ways to Sunday before you can say, “Are you ready for some football.” [Read more...]

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