Duck Dynasty: Rednecks Done Right

Duck DynastyFor the last several months my mother has been trying to get me to check out the A&E series Duck Dynasty (now in its second season). Unlike most rednecks, I don’t have cable, dish and Direct TV spliced from a neighbor and/or duct taped to the roof of my trailer.

Last winter I did a Google search for it and barely found any results. I couldn’t find it on Hulu or Amazon or any other such service, and Google seemed to think I had lost my search mojo. So I let it go until I spotted it on Hulu the other day in a banner ad (oh how the redneck has risen).

Having only viewed the two free episodes provided via Hulu, I’m certainly no Dynasty guru. Those two episodes did convert me to a fan. While Good Morning West Monroe didn’t seem to pop or drip with redneck witticisms quite as much as Spring Pong Cleaning, I enjoyed both episodes. (My favorite moment in Pong Cleaning went something like, “Everyone loves violence. So we wondered, how can we make ping pong more violent. Pink-belly rules.”) [Read more...]

Olympic Redneck Volleyball

redneck athletesEveryone has their opinion about what the next olympic sport should be. But in the true unifying spirit of the Olympics, I humbly offer an idea ten times better than yours–redneck volleyball.

If like me you’ve grown tired of watching supple and well-oiled human bodies accomplish amazing physical feats so demanding that only an unbalanced individual could accomplish them, then redneck volleyball is for you.

The Pit

Played outdoors, the pit can consist of anywhere between 20% to 80% sand with the rest of the particulate matter ranging from dirt, weeds, manure and/or gravel. Changing conditions from location to location is part of the challenge. [Read more...]

Redneck Sustainability: Eating Dirt

kids eat dirtKids have always known it. Rednecks and the rural have long embraced it. Urban hipsters are stumbling upon it by accident. Not only is dirt wholesome, it’s healthy.

Living according to the oppressive saying, “cleanliness is next to Godliness,” can not only lead to compulsive behavior, but it can reduce you to a 98-pound weakling. For any of you yankees who still beg to differ, even the New York Times has agreed for years (click here for a story on babies eating dirt, and here for dirt and allergies).

So go ahead. Sterilize everything. Dip everything in a commercial chemical bath before consumption. And keep on sneezing your sterile snot into your precious sanitary facial tissues while the rest of us gain beneficial microbes and strengthened immunity from indulging in the sacred 3-second rule (or 60-second rule, or the universal “trash-cookie” policy). [Read more...]

Redneck Sustainability: How to Dig a Big Hole

digging a holeAs the rather disturbing saying goes, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Not sure which states actually allow cat skinning. But I’m sure you’re familiar with the expression, “It’s only an expression.” That said, I’d like to talk about digging holes.

These days there are lots of ways to go about digging a big hole: skid loaders, back hoes, trenchers, pneumatic diggers, etc. But one old-fashion means of digging remains. You might have heard of it–the shovel.

The art of shovel-wielding has been maintained by a small, elite group of blue-collar professionals and rednecks. It’s one of those skills you begrudging learn as a youth only to be grateful for later in life when confronted with the collapse of society. [Read more...]

Redneck Ingenuity

Duct Tape. Does anyone use it for ducting anymore? Add trimming your hedges and creating beer-can nunchucks (numbchucks to those of us in the south) to the list. Both inventions are shown being touted below by the world’s strongest redneck–a proud title to be sure.

While not so impressive strength-wise, this next clip should give the rest of us hope for self-defense in a world going mad.

A couple more reasons a redneck with duct tape will never be wanting. May your neck always be red and your sweet tea always be iced.

Redneck Sustainability: Delay Laundry Day

And you guys thought I was weird for wearing the same pair of hemp pants for a year while washing them once a week. As it turns out, I could have worn them much longer and helped save the human race from utter destruction by never laundering them a single time! (Okay, maybe after getting shat upon by my son a washing would have been appropriate.)

University of Alberta student, Josh Le, wore his pair of raw denim jeans for 15 months before washing them. In a university lab bacteria samples were taken before and after washing as well as after wearing the pants for just a couple of weeks. [Read more...]

Redneck Sustainability: 5 Cyber Monday Cures

Original Walton's Dime StoreIn our consumerism drunk society Cyber Week is the virtual hangover from Thanksgiving’s Black Friday. And the whole things seems to be focusing on gluttony a scoche more than gratitude (if you ask me). But once again, rednecks can show the rest of us the way toward a more sustainable life by offering us cures to the Cyber Week blues.

Think General. The rural predecessor to today’s tawdry dollar store was the dime store, or the general store. In some parts of rural America rednecks continue to benefit from the simplicity of true one-stop holiday shopping at said stores. And in this instance I don’t mean Walmart’s brand of one-stop shopping. Duplicating the general store experience today requires some creative thought to figure out which one, local establishment could provide all of your gift-giving needs. Rather than coming up with specific present ideas, get a general idea, go to your chosen store and peruse while your mind ruminates over each person on your list. (I’m heading to the state liquor store this year!) [Read more...]