Cannabis: Brain Killing 529 Plan

Helen Lovejoy“Won’t somebody please think of the children!?” ~ Helen Lovejoy, one act pony.

The reefer madness just keeps getting worse and worse on both sides of the issue. And it’s a noodle scratcher to be sure.

I mean, how on God’s green earth can we ever be expected to resolve this terrible conflict over the mild narcotic, marijuana, that can be grown in almost any climate by anyone and currently provides drug lords all over the world almost 90% of their revenues?

African 529 Plan

Now African grandmothers responsible for aids-orphaned grandchildren are becoming the newest link in the evil multi-tiered drug pyramid run amuck. Won’t somebody please think of the children?… Oh, wait. [Read more...]

Next American President: Reality TV Democracy

Enterprise BridgeThis is what it has come to. It’s the only way to involve Americans in a truly democratic election for the next president of the United States. And it’s so simple Simon Cowell would puke.

The process starts off with a regional (maybe state by state) essay contest. Names are kept off of the essays so they are judged by merit/content only by a bunch of snot-nosed interns headed up by the Lieutenant Governor. The top 100 essays move on to the next level.

At the second level of competition our national judges come into play (hand-selected by George W., Bill Clinton and TV execs). Let’s say the panel ends up looking something like Karl Rove, Bill Maher, Donald Trump and Rahm Emanuel. This is also where television coverage kicks in. [Read more...]

Sweet Tea and Conservatism

Republican Sugar CookiesIt’s a little known fact, but sugar can be directly linked to conservatism in just about every aspect of life. The only question political science hasn’t been able to answer is whether sugar causes conservatism or the other way around. Since acquiring the truth of the matter requires too much voodoo for my conservative values, we won’t answer it here at the Green Porch, either.

But we will address the broader issue by taking a closer look at a single anecdotal piece of evidence gathered from an extremely small sample size that will surely convince you of the truth. Namely, the drinking habits of our current president, Barack Obama. [Read more...]

Potty Training Wall Street

I smell like urine. Everything smells like urine. My fiercely brave wife and I have been potty training our 3 year old son for the last few days. (He’s doing well, by the way.) And I can’t help but feel like my son has mastered something in three days that people in our political and financial centers still haven’t figured out — namely, how to read and control base urges in order to avoid pissing all over everything.

It’s pretty amazing, really. (Both that my son is a genius and that so many career sorts still need newspaper spread around everywhere they go.) A few days ago my little boy was just letting it rip whenever the urge hit (a sensation I haven’t experienced since going tubing a few years ago). Now he’s registering the impulse to wiz mentally and cuing his little body to beeline for the toilet before doing so.

Yet, around our fair land, a noticeable percentage of the people in charge of leading us and forecasting our fates seem to have relapsed. [Read more...]

The West Needs More Western

The American West CowboyFor many, the contemporary icon of the Western genre is that of the semi-nomadic wanderer or the knight errant–the pale rider. While that is a Western motif, it’s usually shown in contrast to the frontier, societal enclave from which fate has removed the rider.

The larger motifs of classic Western literature and film revolve around the local social order maintained by personal codes of honor that are strictly enforced. Abstract law is for sissies and Yankees. Westerns grow organically from the fertile soil of independence and libertarianism.

With a hoe in one hand and a rifle in the other, tough men and women etch meaningful existences from the harsh wilderness environment using their wit and fortitude. Those desiring to exploit the land for easy gain or to pillage others are the enemy. Most simply, the Western is a morality tale caked with dust and manure. And this, dear reader, is what I think Western civilization needs a bit more of presently (both morality and manure). [Read more...]

Take This Tax and Smoke It

prohibition 18th amendment posterThe Redneck Granola does not condone the use of illegal drugs. The Redneck Granola does not condone a regressive tax structure. How, you may ask, do these things fit together?

In the midst of the U.S.’s first credit rating downgrade amongst a mountain of bellyaching from our mole hill Congress, I think the common Jolene Smolene needs a common sense solution. That common sense solution is a new spin on an old favorite–the sin tax. [Read more...]

Have Reefer Will Travel

Angry American signWelcome to the first Global Reeferpunk blog post (literally, not in a “cosmic” sort of way). I’ve learned a few interesting things, commentary on American society if you will, since embarking on my treacherous Reeferpunk journey. It turns out that creating Mexican good guys who grow marijuana and get chased by a Texas Ranger bad guy who smokes marijuana sort of pisses people off in the United States.

Who knew, right? I’m as shocked as you. Equally surprising, Europeans feel completely differently about Mexicans, marijuana and Texas Rangers. Down right freaky. To top it all off, it appears that some literary snobs (who live with their noses in books so much they actually blow boogers composed of classic literature) have decided that the Western genre is as dead as bipartisanship in American politics. But, Europeans seem to enjoy the stuff. [Read more...]