FreedomPop, Latest Tool of NSA

FreedomPop-RevolutionCall me a whistle blower if you must, but it’s time the truth come out.

Uncle Sam has teamed up with “power-to-the-people” internet service provider FreedomPop in its latest endeavors to infringe upon our ever dwindling privacy. When you think about it, it’s the perfect scheme. The only problems? First, the plan was executed with typical government efficiency. Second, they messed with me.

As we all know, my mental prowess is a few stories taller than the average American bungalow (just significant enough that a jump will break your ankles but not kill you.)

This is how it all went down. [Read more...]

Firefly: a New Conspiracy Theory

Serenity from T.V.'s Firefly

Serenity from T.V.’s Firefly

[This week I'm reviving a classic post from two years ago. Gosh darnit, it's just so timely.]

In case you are unaware, the best show on T.V. to never finish a single season is incontestably and unarguably Firefly. It aired and was cancelled in 2002. Many diehard, Firefly freekies will tell you the show was cancelled due to conflicts from the creator working on another show, or due to the fact the first two episodes were mysteriously aired out of order (as in not first).

Stick in the mud types will tell you that it was due to low ratings. (Pshaw.) I’m here today to tell you the truth. Bipartisan politics (the only true instance in the last twenty years).

Bipartisan Politics Cancelled Firefly

You see, the plot line for Firefly is about a browncoat independent who fights for civil liberties in order to stick it to the man by encouraging a free-trade economy based on bartering and simple living and implemented by a diverse, bipartisan crew of federation outsiders. (I know. How did the creators ever think they would get away with such a thing?)

I mean the crew of the firefly-class ship named Serenity stole from the rich and gave to the poor while breaking federation law left and right. The crew itself consisted of a robin-hood style captain, a hippy pilot, a mercenary, a tough-girl, a liberated yet conservative female grease-monkey, a priest, a WASP doctor, an idiot savant and a high-class call girl. The show was basically a 21st century version of Dukes of Hazzard in space.

The last thing either Democrats or Republicans on the hill wanted in the go-go 2000′s was fiscal responsibility and some libertarian nonsense bundled up and marketed with the attractive face of Nathan Fillion (who, God bless him, finally got a long-lived role with the T.V. show Castle). Economic independence and social responsibility side by side? Madness! Plus, it’s a pretty well documented fact the George W. wanted the lead role as Captain Mal Reynolds. If he couldn’t get it, nobody would!

Mark my words.

If Firefly would have been released with the economy in the crapper and Obama in the White House, it would have been a smash hit. Right now, gunslinging libertarian outsiders with a fresh take on social justice and simple living on a space ship would be just what the doctor ordered. For some reason (a nod is as good as a wink to a blind man) 20th Century Fox is still sitting on it.

Cannabis: Brain Killing 529 Plan

Helen Lovejoy“Won’t somebody please think of the children!?” ~ Helen Lovejoy, one act pony.

The reefer madness just keeps getting worse and worse on both sides of the issue. And it’s a noodle scratcher to be sure.

I mean, how on God’s green earth can we ever be expected to resolve this terrible conflict over the mild narcotic, marijuana, that can be grown in almost any climate by anyone and currently provides drug lords all over the world almost 90% of their revenues?

African 529 Plan

Now African grandmothers responsible for aids-orphaned grandchildren are becoming the newest link in the evil multi-tiered drug pyramid run amuck. Won’t somebody please think of the children?… Oh, wait. [Read more...]

Next American President: Reality TV Democracy

Enterprise BridgeThis is what it has come to. It’s the only way to involve Americans in a truly democratic election for the next president of the United States. And it’s so simple Simon Cowell would puke.

The process starts off with a regional (maybe state by state) essay contest. Names are kept off of the essays so they are judged by merit/content only by a bunch of snot-nosed interns headed up by the Lieutenant Governor. The top 100 essays move on to the next level.

At the second level of competition our national judges come into play (hand-selected by George W., Bill Clinton and TV execs). Let’s say the panel ends up looking something like Karl Rove, Bill Maher, Donald Trump and Rahm Emanuel. This is also where television coverage kicks in. [Read more...]

Sweet Tea and Conservatism

Republican Sugar CookiesIt’s a little known fact, but sugar can be directly linked to conservatism in just about every aspect of life. The only question political science hasn’t been able to answer is whether sugar causes conservatism or the other way around. Since acquiring the truth of the matter requires too much voodoo for my conservative values, we won’t answer it here at the Green Porch, either.

But we will address the broader issue by taking a closer look at a single anecdotal piece of evidence gathered from an extremely small sample size that will surely convince you of the truth. Namely, the drinking habits of our current president, Barack Obama. [Read more...]

Potty Training Wall Street

I smell like urine. Everything smells like urine. My fiercely brave wife and I have been potty training our 3 year old son for the last few days. (He’s doing well, by the way.) And I can’t help but feel like my son has mastered something in three days that people in our political and financial centers still haven’t figured out — namely, how to read and control base urges in order to avoid pissing all over everything.

It’s pretty amazing, really. (Both that my son is a genius and that so many career sorts still need newspaper spread around everywhere they go.) A few days ago my little boy was just letting it rip whenever the urge hit (a sensation I haven’t experienced since going tubing a few years ago). Now he’s registering the impulse to wiz mentally and cuing his little body to beeline for the toilet before doing so.

Yet, around our fair land, a noticeable percentage of the people in charge of leading us and forecasting our fates seem to have relapsed. [Read more...]

The West Needs More Western

The American West CowboyFor many, the contemporary icon of the Western genre is that of the semi-nomadic wanderer or the knight errant–the pale rider. While that is a Western motif, it’s usually shown in contrast to the frontier, societal enclave from which fate has removed the rider.

The larger motifs of classic Western literature and film revolve around the local social order maintained by personal codes of honor that are strictly enforced. Abstract law is for sissies and Yankees. Westerns grow organically from the fertile soil of independence and libertarianism.

With a hoe in one hand and a rifle in the other, tough men and women etch meaningful existences from the harsh wilderness environment using their wit and fortitude. Those desiring to exploit the land for easy gain or to pillage others are the enemy. Most simply, the Western is a morality tale caked with dust and manure. And this, dear reader, is what I think Western civilization needs a bit more of presently (both morality and manure). [Read more...]