Freelance Arguer for Hire (book a performance today!)

arguingOh the joys of a good argument. I’m thinking about going freelance. Not as an arbiter, but an arguer. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty good at it. Better than you anyway. (Oh yeah? Takes one to know one. So there.)

Any chimp who knows ASL can arbitrate. What the world needs during these unstable times are some good, knock down, drag out arguments that end with everyone a winner. How, you may ask, is such a ridiculous thing possible? (Oh, so I’m ridiculous now? Well, if you didn’t have nougat for brains– sorry, sorry. It just comes so natural.) You see dear reader, I’m talking about surrogate arguers–professionals, like me (or like I will be once I design a certificate and print it off).

Argument as cathartic performance

No, not lawyers. Those weasels couldn’t argue the pants off a stripper. Besides, you’re still thinking along the lines of a classic resolution. I’m talking about a cathartic performance. In the old days it took the form of a stoning or some other such nonsense. But with the advent of human rights and the popular groundswell of support for the underdog/scapegoat (thank you Jesus of Nazareth) we’ve been left without the means to lance society’s boils of angst. Until now.

For the low, low price of $25 an hour you can hire me and a partner to take your paltry pet peeves and minuscule annoyances with your fellow man/woman and explode them into gargantuan insults against the soul of humankind. If you and your spouse repeatedly joust over cluttering the entryway table or refusing to wash out the sink, simply debrief me and my partner, set up some lawn chairs for you and your neighbors and sit back to enjoy the show.

Let the professional arguers tear your loved ones a knew one for you. Don’t worry, you’ll get yours too! (you crust-wasting debutant). We’ll cover every angle, insinuate every short coming, lambast every foible until laughter snot’s dripping from your nose (or until you wet your pants, if you’re the incontinent sort).

The bottom line is that arguments are fun (and restorative) when the arguers aren’t worried about such stupid things as winning. And most of the time we simply want our perspective heard. We need to vent our frustrations. When that happens, more often than not, changed behaviors follow. So you’ve got two choices:

1.)spend countless hours and untold effort learning to argue compassionately and selflessly

2.) pay me $25 to turn your argument into such an overblown, clown show that it’ll take you a week to get over your laughter induced asthma.

The choice is yours. For people living in Ada or Canyon Counties I’m now scheduling during weekday afternoons and evenings. 25$ an hour, plus gas. The Green Porch and/or the Redneck Granola are not responsible for loss of bladder control during or after the reading of this post.

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