redneck Archives - David Mark Brown

Duck Dynasty: Rednecks Done Right

November 12, 2012 by David Mark Brown

For the last several months my mother has been trying to get me to check out the A&E series Duck Dynasty (now in its second season). Unlike most rednecks, I don’t have cable, dish and Direct TV spliced from a neighbor and/or duct taped to the roof of my trailer.

Last winter I did a Google search for it and barely found any results. I couldn’t find it on Hulu or Amazon or any other such service, and Google seemed to think I had lost my search mojo. So I let it go until I spotted it on Hulu the other day in a banner ad (oh how the redneck has risen).

Having only viewed the two free episodes provided via Hulu, I’m certainly no Dynasty guru. Those two episodes did convert me to a fan. While Good Morning West Monroe didn’t seem to pop or drip with redneck witticisms quite as much as Spring Pong Cleaning, I enjoyed both episodes. (My favorite moment in Pong Cleaning went something like, “Everyone loves violence. So we wondered, how can we make ping pong more violent. Pink-belly rules.”)

Olympic Redneck Volleyball

August 6, 2012August 6, 2012 by David Mark Brown

redneck athletes Everyone has their opinion about what the next olympic sport should be. But in the true unifying spirit of the Olympics, I humbly offer an idea ten times better than yours–redneck volleyball.

If like me you’ve grown tired of watching supple and well-oiled human bodies accomplish amazing physical feats so demanding that only an unbalanced individual could accomplish them, then redneck volleyball is for you.

The Pit

Played outdoors, the pit can consist of anywhere between 20% to 80% sand with the rest of the particulate matter ranging from dirt, weeds, manure and/or gravel. Changing conditions from location to location is part of the challenge.

Redneck Sustainability: Eating Dirt

June 25, 2012 by David Mark Brown

kids eat dirt Kids have always known it. Rednecks and the rural have long embraced it. Urban hipsters are stumbling upon it by accident. Not only is dirt wholesome, it’s healthy.

Living according to the oppressive saying, “cleanliness is next to Godliness,” can not only lead to compulsive behavior, but it can reduce you to a 98-pound weakling. For any of you yankees who still beg to differ, even the New York Times has agreed for years (click here for a story on babies eating dirt, and here for dirt and allergies).

So go ahead. Sterilize everything. Dip everything in a commercial chemical bath before consumption. And keep on sneezing your sterile snot into your precious sanitary facial tissues while the rest of us gain beneficial microbes and strengthened immunity from indulging in the sacred 3-second rule (or 60-second rule, or the universal “trash-cookie” policy).