Only one man has produced three television series ranked among the top ten simultaneously, Jerry Bruckheimer. Why, you may ask is this important? Now imagine a world without Mr. Jerome Leon Bruckheimer. Total chaos.
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, CSI: Miami, CSI: NY, Without a Trace, Cold Case, The Amazing Race, Dark Blue and Chase create a short list of his television works. The man is more machine than man, an American entertainment god. When was the last time any of us sat down to an evening of mind-numbing television without suckling from Bruckheimer’s teat?
So answer me this. Which would disrupt the American way of life more cataclysmically? The bombing of the White House? Or the death of Jerry Bruckheimer?
Take a deep breath. Now that you know, together we can do something to prevent the possibility. Rather than risk the catastrophic failure of American society and the total unmitigated propagation of reality television (held in check only by the magnanomy of Bruckheimer), I suggest we create a grassroots threat assessment system like the Homeland Security Advisory System, except useful.
The backbone of the system would involve an endless torrent of bloggers spying on Mr. Bruckheimer in order to relay the singular message, “Jerry’s O.K.” every sixty seconds to a vigilant America. But the true grace and beauty of the system would stem from its multiple failsafes.
Effective immediately Bruckheimer underlings would be trained up in order to carry his banner if the unthinkable should happen. For every T.V. series he produces that airs, studios would be required to keep an affiliate series on the shelf for BD-day (Bruckheimer Down day). And finally, the Secret Service should remove their detail from George Lucas and guard U.S. interests where it matters. With this plan in effect, BD-day would still sting, but at least we’d be able to carry on.
Don’t worry, Jerry. We’ve got your back. And by the way, thanks for Flashdance, Top Gun and Beverly Hills Cop I & II (we know III and IV weren’t your fault).