Open Letter to Film Producers

cruise as sleazy producerProduction companies, studios, producers (sleazy or otherwise), look no further. The story for your next production can be found among the Lost DMB Files. How can I be so confident? Simple.

I’m a writer who is barely literate. My strongest influences are film. I write every scene of my novels and shorts as a transcription from the images playing across my mind’s eye. Hell, now that I’ve got kids I write stuff the same way I chug down Jerry Bruckheimer episodes from Hulu, in digestible 43 minute chunks.

My books are made for the silver screen and the consumers who would rather watch a human explode than read a human drama.

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The Unifying Sitcom of Everything

donut simpsons

donut simpsonsSome still say that String Theory isn’t Physics, but Philosophy.  Those are the types who insist that T.V.’s the Simpsons isn’t a sitcom, but a cartoon. The debate will certainly continue until 22nd Century Fox becomes our governing body and rules “Smell you later” as the official salutation of the English language.

Until then, let me just say that the holy grail lies within your grasp if you so choose to embrace it. Jerry Bruckheimer has long speculated that our universe contains the concept for a unifying sitcom of everything — a television show that stitches together all the main constituents of American society and every facet of our flaccid lives.

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The Jerry Bruckheimer Effect

Jerry BruckheimerOnly one man has produced three television series ranked among the top ten simultaneously, Jerry Bruckheimer. Why, you may ask is this important? Now imagine a world without Mr. Jerome Leon Bruckheimer. Total chaos.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, CSI: Miami, CSI: NY, Without a Trace, Cold Case, The Amazing Race, Dark Blue and Chase create a short list of his television works. The man is more machine than man, an American entertainment god. When was the last time any of us sat down to an evening of mind-numbing television without suckling from Bruckheimer’s teat?

So answer me this. Which would disrupt the American way of life more cataclysmically? The bombing of the White House? Or the death of Jerry Bruckheimer?

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