LEGOs: Legitimate Excuse to Get Offspring

Lego SerenityI hadn’t thought of it when I first approached my wife with that certain twinkle in my eye, but in a world where couples have children for the tax write-off, why the hell not bring a child into the world for the sake of sharing one of life’s greatest pleasures? I’m talking of course about Legos.

At the age of eighteen, I boxed up the last of my childhood treasures and stowed them in the 180-degree attic space of my parents’ Texas home. With those treasures went a mighty cardboard box of Legos. At the time, I thought I would never again experience the insight and satisfaction those plastic bricks brought me for so many years.

More than just a vehicle for fine motor skills, those bricks produced endless plans for disposable automobiles and rotating hallways and underground bunkers on the moon. Legos unlocked my geeky architect and creative hubris. [Read more…]

Expectations, Resolutions and Cowboys Circa 2013

jonesjerryThis year, make a change that matters. To illustrate the importance of doing so, here is a moral tale based on the National Football League franchise, the Dallas Cowboys. (Don’t worry, NFL fandom is not required to learn this lesson.)

Once upon a time, there was an evil NFL franchise owner and CEO, Jones Jerry. Jones Jerry was neither faery nor orc. He was pure-D avarice from his wazoo to his cork. Stab him with a knife or blend him with a spoon, as owner, operator and general manager, he’d fork you in the end.

He lined his wooly pockets by milking talent and sparking drama. He drove his players to the point of slapping their own mama while he danced and jigged high up in his skybox.

“A pox!” his subjects did cry. “It’s rigged! We supply you with money in exchange for more than Romos and Wittens and Bryants. We want a championship, or we’ll switch our allegiance to the football Giants!” (Now with more iridium!)

At first Jones Jerry did fret to the point of regret for purchasing his multi-million dollar bionical-hip (and stadium). “Don’t be a dope,” he smirked a wicked smirk. “Those hicks, I’ll lend them hope.” A mad hatter with geriatric bladder, he passed haughty gas from his executive potty. “I’ll fire the coach, that torpid roach.” [Read more…]

Finding Ozmodiar

Simpsons with OzmodiarThe parable of Ozmodiar is more important today than ever. And no, I’m not talking about an allegorical planet in which sympathy takes the form of blue cheese and flatulence represents the soul of man. I’m talking about the animated extra from the cultural beacon, The Simpsons. Ozmodiar appears in the final scene of an episode from season eight, and only Homer can see him.

While some would argue the delightful little alien imp doesn’t exist, I think those people stink. Not only is Ozmodiar alive and well, but the very concept of individual conception or unique perspective is critical for maintaining a dynamic civilization worth upholding the beautiful gift of life.

What pray tell have I been smoking? Why Ozmodiar, of course. For this is the essence of living. Each and every one of us has an Ozmodiar, a unique perspective, a sprite that only you or I can see. For you it might be the ability to spot stains in movie theater carpet. For someone else it might be the ability to see humor in Woody Allen.

That’s Ozmodiar. [Read more…]

Your Personal Anthem

Serenity, Firefly class vesselIf nations have anthems, why shouldn’t you? I mean, what’s the difference between a large united aggregate of people organized around something in common and all the united aggregate stuff of you? Very little, if you ask me.

So what’s holding you back? Today is the day, my loyal readers. Focus on that deep internal pool of self-centeredness and pull out your personal anthem. If you’re the type to create something from nothing with musical instruments then take that route.

But for the rest of us, luckily there are plenty of previously created songs for us to steal choose from. (You’re dying to know mine, aren’t you?) First, there are several things to consider when co-opting a musician’s creative endeavor for your own self-indentification. Let’s begin. [Read more…]

Occupy This! Wall Street & Reality TV

Tis the season for occupation. And why not? I’m occupying my chair as I type. From Wall Street to Walmart, I say it’s time for hardworking and hard-complaining American citizens to get to occupying.

The only problem I keep running into is that I don’t know how to occupy an ideal or a concept. I’d love to occupy greed or corruption in order to break it’s will, bust it down to mere covetousness, slap it around a little and toss it to the curb. But it’s not exactly like occupying a Honey Bucket. There’s no latch on the door that switches from ‘vacant’ to ‘occupied’ (as far as I can tell).

But then again, it’s not like Wall Street or corporate greed or whatever entity we’re invading was actually vacant to begin with. So I guess what we’re talking about here is a relocation program of some sort–removing half of the venture capitalists and day traders to replace them with what? Dissidents? Hippies? That hardly seems any better. We can’t have the trading floor resounding with “Sell! Sell! Kill! Kill! while the rest of the group gets the munchies, now can we? [Read more…]

The Need for Irregular “Regulars”

Cheers Where Everybody knows your nameSuch a funny word, regular, stemming from the Latin root, regula or ‘rule.’

regular |ˈregyələr; ˈreg(ə)lər|adjective (of a person): doing the same thing or going to the same place with the same time between individual instances.

All I know is that my trip to the donut shop this past Sunday morning (to celebrate donut month) became a significantly richer experience because of two “colorful characters” bantering with the the lady behind the counter as well as my son and I. While the experience emphasized my own lack of ‘regularness’ (being newly transplanted to Nampa, Idaho), it also illustrated the critical need American society has for such irregular regulars.

Stemming from my high school addiction to late-night reruns of Cheers (“Where everybody knows your name”), I’ve always longed for regular status (even while I ‘raged against the machine’). Not necessarily a Cliff or Norm, but someone who could simply nod to the establishment for a quick cup or bowl of ‘the regular.’ Who hasn’t craved such status? (only asocial loners, I assure you.) [Read more…]

Top 5 American Cities in Case of Apocalypse

Utah State SealFor all you really forward thinkers out there, it is time to consider a change of residence based on the best spots to live out the end of the world as we know it. As any fan of apocalyptic or post-apocalyptic fiction or film knows, the last places you want to be are NYC or anywhere in the UK. Those places are where the Biblical crap hits the meat grinder of humankind’s jackasseriness first and foremost.

But what U.S. cities will be most likely to remain on the back burner of Armageddon? Where can prepared individuals move for a leisurely pace of mutation while the rest of the world rakes each other’s eyes out in fast forward? What if one wants to get away from the cockroach race? Well, you’re in luck. Today we hash out the best places in the U.S. to set down the tent poles and ride out the world ending wave even before it arrives. [Read more…]