Redneck Sustainability: Delay Laundry Day

And you guys thought I was weird for wearing the same pair of hemp pants for a year while washing them once a week. As it turns out, I could have worn them much longer and helped save the human race from utter destruction by never laundering them a single time! (Okay, maybe after getting shat upon by my son a washing would have been appropriate.)

University of Alberta student, Josh Le, wore his pair of raw denim jeans for 15 months before washing them. In a university lab bacteria samples were taken before and after washing as well as after wearing the pants for just a couple of weeks.

As it turns out, the bacteria levels were insignificatly more for the 15 month period. While the levels were high, Professor Rachel McQueen says they were mostly simple ski-type bacteria (no flesh-eating nasties or brain-melting baddies).

I knew it! Laundry day has been a conspiracy cooked up by Proctor and Gamble all along! Don’t eat it! It’s people! (But seriously, we know it’s more horse than people.) As I was saying, on a cosmic scale of evil conspiracies this one has to rank right below JFK and right above Daylight Savings.

Josh Le may not be a Redneck, I don’t know (I haven’t asked him, and was shocked to see that the media coverage of this story doesn’t either), but here are the raw facts (as far as you know). Most North Americans launder their garments after a single 12 to 16 hour wearing. Some scoundrels will even throw a garment into the wash after wearing it for less than 8 hours! (Shocking, I know.) While the average Redneck goes up to 17 days on a regular basis.

But before we justifiably waggle the finger of blame at these poor ignorant souls, let us squarely place the blame were it belongs–Thor (then Maytag, General Electric, Sears, etc.). Sure, Proctor and Gamble has taken the helm of this atrocity against mankind in the modern era, but the inventors of machine washers were the originators.

Once modern convenience allowed one to launder clothing without vigorous manual labor the whole damn world has been destined for destruction. How is the typical human supposed to resist when all he/she has to do is throw the stinking clothes in the wash, dump in too much detergent (chemically altered to make you 38% more likely to engage in impulse clothes buying) and hit “go?” The American Redneck and/or the Northwestern Granola are the only strains of human disciplined enough to manage!

After Jordache, Bugleboy and Levi Strauss got into the act, I thought for sure the truth would never emerge. But thanks to the courage and bravery of a single Canuck student, it has. Laundry is for the easily manipulated. Laundry equals heinous death. Let the earth live, launder less.

About David Mark Brown

Writer. Novelist. Redneck. Granola. Raised on a Texas cattle ranch and schooled at the U of Montana (Berkeley of the Rockies), I am the world’s most self-proclaimed redneck granola and author of optimistic-dystopian dieselpunk, sci-fi thrillers and young adult literature.

Comments

  1. karen e brown says:

    I know for sure that the redneck I live with wears his jeans for 2 or 3 days after which the jeans absolutely need to be washed. If not washed, the stench would be too much for even the dogs and certainly for me to live with. As for me, I wear mine for 2 or 3 weeks before laundering, as I am not so stinky. I feel this is enough to help the environment. Remember, I don’t use paper plates, which I think does a lot more to save the planet.

    • I happen to know the redneck you are referring to. I suppose he actually works more than most rednecks, even in retirement. And with lots of manure… so I’ll concede the exception!

Speak Your Mind

*