David Mark Brown - Page 73 of 193

The Unifying Sitcom of Everything

July 3, 2012November 25, 2011 by David Mark Brown

Some still say that String Theory isn’t Physics, but Philosophy. Those are the types who insist that T.V.’s the Simpsons isn’t a sitcom, but a cartoon. The debate will certainly continue until 22nd Century Fox becomes our governing body and rules “Smell you later” as the official salutation of the English language.

Until then, let me just say that the holy grail lies within your grasp if you so choose to embrace it. Jerry Bruckheimer has long speculated that our universe contains the concept for a unifying sitcom of everything — a television show that stitches together all the main constituents of American society and every facet of our flaccid lives.

Thanksgiving: Whine and Humble Pie

November 21, 2011 by David Mark Brown

Nothing makes one more grateful/thankful than catching a whiff of whining leaking from one’s brain like a tire with a nail. (Tire air always smells so rank too, like dried barf and erasers.)

I’m one of those people who loves life as long as it loves me back, but a hang nail can get me out of sorts. I’m a whiner. Well maybe I don’t whine as much as pout. If you’ve ever played cards with me, you’ve seen it. I mean, why won’t something as fickle as random chance let me win more than 0.5% of the time? It’s not like I play cards with 100 other people at once. (Of course there is the possibility that I suck at cards, but that’s loser talk.)

With Thanksgiving days away, I’m feeling a bit mushy–like I want to hug the cosmos and apologize for having a bad attitude about the last month of sick kids and wife. Due to quarantining them, taking lots of Airborne and demanding extra sleep, I’ve stayed mostly healthy so that I can continue to blog. (Sometimes I’m just so darn noble. Does anyone else smell barf and erasers?)

Sweet Tea and Conservatism

November 17, 2011 by David Mark Brown

It’s a little known fact, but sugar can be directly linked to conservatism in just about every aspect of life. The only question political science hasn’t been able to answer is whether sugar causes conservatism or the other way around. Since acquiring the truth of the matter requires too much voodoo for my conservative values, we won’t answer it here at the Green Porch, either.

But we will address the broader issue by taking a closer look at a single anecdotal piece of evidence gathered from an extremely small sample size that will surely convince you of the truth. Namely, the drinking habits of our current president, Barack Obama.